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hello me

the drugs dont work!

me 'n that Posted on Mon, March 18, 2019 06:16:58

I’m
getting very low again!

As
the song says, “the drugs don’t work!” The depression ones, not Columbian
marching powder! I’m not sleeping, or I go into periods of staying in my bed
and sleeping for days! My mind won’t shut down, any bit of noise sets me off,
(that happens quite a lot!) I know my mum
may be reading this, but I do have days where I think she thinks I’m making all
this up! And for someone, who was compared my last therapist, to Billy, in One
flew over the cuckoo’s nest! (for those who have not read the book, or film,
billy commits suicide, rather than his mother finding out he’s had sex!) and
that’s a whole other story! It hurts me, because for someone, who’s opinion I
hold vital, to think that I have made this all up, a mind like mine, that I’ve
hated all my life, sends me into a tailspin! But enough of my Oedipus issues!

I
don’t know if it’s the depression, the state of my life, the waiting for a
diagnosis, the stupid forms, I must fill in for the job centre, or all the
above. But the pressure inside me is bubbling up! And the last time that
happed, it nearly didn’t turn out too well! My brain cannot cope with pressure,
its normal response is to RUN! Or reboot and go back into factory settings! I
have a new therapist coming up, (as you can see before, me and my previous
therapist did not get on, that and her trying to push me into things I was not
comfortable with, like joining a Buddhist monastery, (I’m an atheist,) that I
could not have autism/Asperger’s, as I worked in a call centre, even though I
told her how deeply I took it, was told by my boss I held no empathy, and the
inevitable breakdown I had! And now I have to air my dirty issues to a new
person, (something I hate doing,) The paranoia is rearing in my head also, what
if I meet my old therapist, and she asks why she was chucked? (if that
happened, I would go back to the wee stammering boy again, and stare anywhere
but her, and try to come up with something other than “you made my life a
living hell,”)

I’ve
never been good at expressing myself, some of you may have this also, I can be
quite blunt at times, dam right nasty! Or I could have periods of not talking
at all, there are times I would even cross the road, rather than speak to
someone. My mum today was complaining that “everything was online,” bloody
great! Cos if everything was not online, I would be fucked, I’m glad I can get
my messages from Tesco’s, I only have to point to the delivery driver where to
put the bags! Morrisions is my idea of hell, the aisles are to narrow, and you
have always got 2 pensioners blocking the aisle wanting to talk about the fact
the price of butter has gone up, and its not as good as the old days! I cannot
do the sensible thing, go up to them, say “can you please move, to let me by?”
oh no! not my mind, I would be going through all the scenarios like, what if
one of them screams, at the top of their voice, “don’t be rude!” and I melt
like said butter!

To
get back on topic, I’m going into a deep dark place, and that fucking black dog
is barking directly at my face. The last time I went to a doctor, it got to a
stage where he said to me, if the drugs are not doing anything for you, we
don’t have anything else we can give you, it did not help that he was looking
to section me, or at least cut my medication down to weekly, cause my sister
said I was having dark thoughts! I am in away, death used to frighten me, but
now I think sometimes, especially the way the world is, and what if something
happened to my sister or mother? I also wonder sometimes how easy it would be
to get on a train, and go somewhere far away, and not come back! But you cannot
run away from yer mind,

There
used to be a man across the street from me, he was schizophrenic, he believed
he was the son of god! And like any child at the time I pointed and laughed
like the rest of them, not knowing what was going through his mind. It got so
bad one day that he took himself off into Glasgow, and through himself off a
bridge into the Clyde. I look at that now, and I can see myself in his
position, I hate my mind, how it has made me socially awkward, it fights with
me, saying I’m worthless, I cannot compete with anyone, I will be alone! And I
can put myself on that bridge, fighting myself to make the leap!

Don’t
get me wrong I also have rest bite good days, but at this moment in the cold
bleak winter, sitting her at 5.00am unable to sleep, these are few and far
between! I’m not lonely, I’ve lived in books, and my head most of my life, but
I sometimes wish what could have been! I don’t think I could cope with having a
relationship with anyone ether, I can barely have a relationship with myself!

So
April the first, I go to the head shrink, (I know the irony!) lay my life out
again, and hopefully get some answers, but if they start pushing me out to meet
the world again, you may see me on the 6oclock news running mental, naked down
the high street, being rugby tackled by 5 burly policemen!

I’ve
depressed you enough this morning, let’s see if I can get 5mins worth of sleep!

Nighty
night!



about a hat

me 'n that Posted on Mon, March 18, 2019 06:12:17

I
have been living in fear most of my life!

Real
fear!

The
first main sign, that I was different than the others, is other than my mother
I preferred my own company, I used to wander on my own, while the others played
at school. This worried both the teachers, and my mum, was I turning into a
little sociopath? It got to a stage the ‘head shrinks’ were called in! As you
can probably tell I hated it, taken out of class, other people wondering where
I was going, the paranoia, that has haunted me all my life kicked in, “they
think I’m in trouble,” “weird Andrew away, wonder what he has done?”

The
classmates, as you probably could tell were little bastards, I hated school,
the bulling, names I was called reinforced my protective wall around myself and
raised the fear level to DEFCON 2. Primary was not as bad as secondary, when
puberty hit, and it was clear that I was, ‘different,’ I was not attracted to
girls, that at the time, end of the 80s, start of the 90s, was a bad time to
‘come out.’ My squeaky voice, the fact that I did not have a girlfriend, the
rise of AIDS, and that every ‘straight,’ had the idea I did not have any taste
in men and would just jump anyone’s ass! I really did not have any kind of
friends really, again I hung around in my own, it was safer that way. But it
did not help the bulling, I was different. Not one of the clique, and I was
prime for the bulling! It was around this time, I first contemplated suicide, I
really thought about how I was going to do it, would I slit my wrists? too much
pain, would I drown myself? I did not want my last moments struggling for air,
as I slid into the darkness, Pills? What it didn’t work, or I was found? I
could end up even worse a vegetable! To say I scraped by adolescence was an
understatement, and when someone says, “sticks and stones will break your
bones, but names will not hurt you,” or “schooldays were the best days of your
life,” I physically want to punch them to the ground!

Then
came work, the first thing I decided to shield myself would mask my real self,
I hid my sexuality from everyone at school, and I was still was bullied. So, I
decided to go right out there, I was ‘BIG CAMP ANDI!’ the life and soul of the
party! Despite my awkwardness, I have a very weird, and somewhat blunt sense of
humour, and to say I turned this up to the max, would be understating
this! The things my mother and father,
warned me not to do, I DID, campy hats, furry bags, bright colours, anything
for ‘them,’ to focus on that, then me! I still did not socialise, one reason
for this is the fear again of revealing my ‘true self’ to people, and I cant
hold my drink, (it’s true, one Christmas,
in my first real job, I had a small amount of whisky in a glass, I was
up on the tables, singing like a bad karaoke star, that thinks he’s Elton
john!) But I had my bad days, where the mask would slip, for example when I was
told off by a boss, I go into little schoolboy mode, the nerves overcame me,
and the stammering, trying to get myself out of the mess, and out of the door
as soon as possible. I have great difficulty adapting to new things, again this
really did not make me a great employee, (I’ve realised these are traits of
Asperger’s,) but at the time all I could do is wish my brain worked like normal
people! At these points the depression, would really sink in, and I got from my
work friends around me, “where’s happy bubbly andi?” And I try, really try, to
put the mask back on, and be ‘bubbly andi,’ but inside I’m screaming, “leave me
alone, this is the real me!” and the guilt would kick in, I’m deceiving these
people, the ones that are trying to make friends with me! They are trying to
help, and you are slapping them down!

To
be honest, working in a customer service call centre was a huge mistake! I took
everything in like a sponge, yes, I could tell you inside and out the product,
the flipside of that was, when people got angry, which they did quite a lot, I
took it personally. I would go home at night sometimes and cry myself to sleep.
It was only inevitable I would have a MAJOR BREAKDOWN, and I did, it was due to
my old foe, non-conforming, I done something wrong on a call, I promised I
would change, and about a day later did the same thing again. When I was taken
in, to be questioned by my superiors, I felt I was that little schoolboy again,
having done something worse than death, the ground opened and swallowed me!
Then after that I was put back on the phones, with a supervisor, and the same
thing happened again! I could not get the office quick enough, and went to the
end of the road, looking to put myself in front of the next car, I stood there
for 10 mins, debating with myself, (it felt like 10 hours!) I never had a
thought, that I was going to die, I wanted to die! The only thought I had was
the person in the car, how were they going to feel, that they were in the
instrument that would end my life. That kinda called me out of my misery, and I
slowly walked home, crying, I felt such a failure, that I did not kill myself,
I could not even do that right!

You
may be wondering why this is called ‘about a hat,’ its about said hat,
(pictured,) I went out yesterday wearing it, (my bit of rebellion,) and I got
from my father, “you are not going out like that, it’s embarrassing, take it
off, you look like coco the clown,” and I’m back trying to please people,
hiding away again, to save me from the hurt, that I perceive people are
thinking about me, in their head! I didn’t take it off, I walked out the door,
head held high!



fook me!

me 'n that Posted on Mon, September 24, 2018 05:29:42

Well
where to begin? Shall I start at the doctor saying, I do have traits of autism,
since childhood, but will not arrange a diagnosis, as this would cost mone…sorry
I am too old. I would laugh, but they way my life was going I would have
expected it. Instead, as usual I ran away and hid, going into a meltdown, I ran
to my old friend, art. But digress, I was, as usual, expecting to get an answer
to why my brain has acted the way it has since childhood. Well getting kicked
back down to my old depression was what I got.

And
the big back dog is back, and it is savage, I was clearly agitated that day
with this doctor, practically begging him on my knees, and what I got was a
note on headed note paper, stating “I suspect this man had* had issues with autism
since childhood, and has not been resolved” and I got a prescription with an anti-psychotic.
Mainly to shut me up.

I
am also without my therapist due to a fucking migraine, and now I’m having to
wait for nearly a month to get this all off my chest. I was weary at first, telling
my shit life so far, but I have done this on this blog for a while now, what’s
one more person going to hurt, especially if it gives me a focus?

Now
let me get back to the real cause of my stress and panic. I got a letter from
work, again saying they have done everything possible to get in touch with me,
and I have been an evil boy not getting back to them, or words to that effect. I
have been getting my recurring dreams of being chased round my old school, by
senior management at my work, it would be laughable, if I did not wake up in
cold sweats!

Now
I must think about going back to that hateful place, with no support frightens
me even more!

I
am back with Facebook, it’s like crack, addictive! To my credit, it was mainly
to join groups to meet, and talk to more gay people, still not helping, but I am
back to the joys of chain letters, crappy, proverbs, and the new one, people
from Nigeria, and the Philippines, pretending to be westerners, looking to have
a relationship with me, or maybe to scam money, I kid you not! They are not even
very good at it, you can spot them a mile away, the bad English, and the poor grammar,
it is like being on the phone to an overseas call centre. I think they get
their English from a phrase book, or apocalypse now! Sucky sucky, and all that!
What angers me, rather than thinking it a laugh, is on my profile, and in
conversation on Facebook, or any dating site, I make them aware of my mental
condition. So effectively they are praying on the weak, I luckily saw through
it, but others may not. Another reason why I think humans are the pond scum of
the universe, and we should never infect ourselves on the rest of it! Elon
fucking cunty musk, take note!

On
a side note, the British diver, he called a ‘nonce’ is suing the little publicity
seeking bastard! So, there is some good news!

So,
the fight goes on for my Asperger’s diagnosis! And I will keep you updated.

Ta-rah!

*what scares me, is a medical doctor, thinks autism is curable, with the past tense of the word “had”



Bang a gong! Get it on!

me 'n that Posted on Mon, August 06, 2018 13:41:23

Here
I am, cannot sleep again!

I
would try repeatedly banging my head aff a brick wall, but I would not wish to
lose any braincells I have left. My mind will not switch off, I lay in bed, in
the dark, I close my eyes, and my worries come forward like a horrible
nightmare. You then sit there awake and still the worries flash in front of
you. I switch on audible on my echo, and it sits and drones in the background,
and I try and read, this is hopeless, your mind seems to say to you, “really!
Your reading this guff, when the world outside is going to fuck!” I put my
kindle down in a huff and lay back down into the dark.

I
cannot see the joy in life, my glass is not half empty, mine is fully empty,
and there is no sign of it being refilled. I have always been a negative
person, its better to expect the worse, you don’t get disappointed later. This
is not normal, I know that, but I cannot stand these people who bang the drum,
clap away like living on this fucking rock is a good thing. Its not there is a
finite life, your born, out of extreme pain to your mother, try to make it
through childhood, (I did not,) Go into adulthood, in a dead end job that you
hate, then in old age, when you have finally got peace and quiet, you cop your
whack! People want to see a meaning of this, I don’t I want to get through
life, and be a nice pile of ash at the end. Morbid I know, giving in I know!
But is been a shit life so far, and I don’t think this is going to change
anytime soon.

The
braincells are now screaming, that they want sleep now, (fickle bastards,) I
cant even claim its tv keeping me awake at night, I bearly watch it now, there
is nothing but rubbish on and repeated over and over again!

I
have had one bit of rebellion though, as I have quit Facebook, two reasons for
this, one, you really know who your friends are when you have a breakdown, you
get the opening platitudes, then your yesterday’s news, two I was sick of being
fodder for right wing bastards looking to end the world sooner!

Anyhoo
im away to sleep!

Ta
ta



100% card carring mental!

me 'n that Posted on Mon, July 23, 2018 20:56:34

How
am I feeling? Well as the nun said to the priest. “a bit further down!”

I’m
trying to clear my head, I’m trying to get back on the straight and narrow!

Its
hard, REALLY HARD, one of the most difficult things I’ve done in my life.

I’m
difficult to adapt to new things, one of the reasons that got me into this
mess, its like a brick wall, and I have no way of getting through it, and I’m
too stupid to ask for help. This is why I have turned to professional support, I’ve
tried running away and hiding, tried the happy drugs, hopefully this will help
me as I am on my last straw.

I
don’t think I have the scope yet hurt myself again, the book is not closed on
that yet, and that scares me. I hate felling this way, it controls you, and
currently I am letting it win. They don’t call it the black dog for nothing. And
I’m now going through therapy, think it of it as ‘this is your life,’ with a
lot bawling, self-hate and relief at the end!

My
feelings are up and down, and take thing far too seriously, and my anxiety
levels, have left me to the point of a hermit! I hate my shitty body running in
fear at the point of someone having the gall to say “hello” to me!

And
social interactions, aren’t happening at the moment also, (as you can tell from
my last post,) I get on, see the people around me, moaning, or putting up messages
they have pulled out of a cheap greetings card, and don’t get me started on
chain posts, pass this on to 5 people in your contacts and don’t break the
chain! I could not be arsed with chain letters, what makes you think I’m going
to be different with chain posts, (anyway it’s a blatant way of scammers, and Cambridge
Analytica, getting access to your contacts!)

Oh,
where was I, oh yes ma depression, well I have a new coping machoism, a bit masochistic,
a kitten, with teething issues! Tigger (and he’s apply named,) bounces round,
with not a care in the world, just as long as he gets his food and sleep. Why could
I not been born as a cat, yeah, they do have a short life, but they can lick
their balls, that a positive spot! The scratching, and the biting, (I have arms
and hands, that look like I have went through twelve rounds with Freddie Kruger,)
is worth it to have this little bouncing ball of teeth, and claws, he has literally
saved me this month from going back into a deep depression!

I’m
also reading the works of Ruby Wax, and with mindfulness, it will make me ether
presentable, or I end up running a Buddhist monastery. The hope is the former,
as I don’t look good in orange!

For
those who have been looking for camp andi, he’s gone back into the box right
now, I’m trying to sort out Andrew for now that is my priority, to be honest its
been better for me, as putting on this face was like doing panto 7 days a week,
twice on Wednesdays! I was going to blow out anytime, and I did! And for those
who don’t care, you really weren’t my friend anyway, so you will not be missed!

Any
hoo if depressed you enough, as Dereck accorah says “love and light”



the brain doesnie want to shut down!

me 'n that Posted on Sat, June 09, 2018 03:29:19

I am sitting in the dark, listening to
audible on my echo, and cannot sleep. It’s not that I don’t want to, god knows
my body is screaming for me to sleep, but when I close my eyes, all I can see
is my worries parading in front of my eyes, like a horrible slide show.

For a man my age, I’m such a pussy, I am
scared of my own shadow, I went out 2 weeks ago, and had to ware my headphones,
and the music turned up, I case anyone talked to me. When anyone did, all they
got was a mumble, and sweat running down my forehead, like someone under interrogation.
It’s horrible, I wish I could run away to a wee cottage, out in the middle of
nowhere, all I would need would be internet access, my laptop, and a kindle!

This I know would really affect me going
back into a call centre environment, especially where I am the now, I have very
dear friends that I have made there, but I can barely speak to them, without
going back to that day, and staring at that road, daring myself to walk forward.

And my mind goes to the future, how am I going
to support myself, will anyone employ someone like me, nearly ending my life,
and having a breakdown, I am not exactly going to be employee of the month, and
to myself the only people who will employ me will be low paid manual work,
which will kill me! And talking of killing, will I do it again? I’ve tried 3
times to unsuccessfully kill myself, the thing in the back of my head is will I
succeed one day!

It also doesn’t help with the heat, I hate
felling hot, and I toss and turn like someone with servitor’s dance! It is
lucky, I’m so lacking in the love department, as imagine sharing a bed with me!

Anyhoo, I’m going to end here, hopefully I’m
in the point of falling into unconscious.

Ahoy-hoy



My life is better without you babe!

me 'n that Posted on Mon, May 14, 2018 04:54:21

I
am here up @ 3am cannot sleep. Its 3 days to the big grill on Saturday, I hate
talking about myself, which is why I talk through this. Everyone is telling me
I am going to be cut off, and that is putting me in a downer.

I
started my life in therapy on Monday, it seemed to help understand why I am
what I am, its mainly due to my life growing up. I have black moods, lack or no
confidence, anxiety, no self-respect in myself.

As
I sit here writing this, not being able to sleep, I want to, but every time I
close my eyes I see my future flashing behind my lids!

Its
taking longer to write these rants now, not that I don’t have shit to put down,
but my head is too full of shit, whirling around, hence lack of sleep. It is horrible
having a mind like mine, that just won’t shut up. Painting sometimes takes the
frustrating out, but again, I have the same issue there, I get up to place the
first stroke, and my mind takes over and I’m back in the black again.

It
is the black dog, its well named, as like a dog its liable to strike out, and
it effects the others around me.



Turned out fine…

me 'n that Posted on Tue, March 06, 2018 21:11:19

Hello, I am here listening to music, as it seems to be the
only way, other than this to drown out the thoughts in my head.

I wish my depression tablets were working, but they haven’t since
I went on them, the problem I have is that I haven’t got any way to switch off
my horrible thoughts, its like the volume control doesn’t work. To give an example
of this, I am constantly having dreams of being at work, and feeling trapped,
and back where I was in school, being bullied for being ‘different’ I think all
my confidence went, on what happened in that school, children are bastards, and
they grow up to be adult bastards, to be honest, us humans, (and I include
myself in this,) we are fucking awful, we have horrible minds, we are horrible
to the animals living with us on the planet, we are actually killing this
spinning rock that we are on, and now the ‘geniuses,’ and I use the word very loosely,
and maybe wrongly, want to go out to other planets, and conquer them, only to
do the bloody same!

I don’t believe in any religion, spooky man upstairs, with
his son, and doonstairs the bad man in the Burney fire, we are molecules of
carbon, we will cop one’s whack, get ether burnt or buried, go back into the
ground and be fertiliser, for more wee bastards! We are not some big experiment,
we are not even top of the food chain, or even may be the cleverest, (if idiots
can vote for an openly racist, bigot, molester beast in trump, I would say a
fucking monkey sitting in his own shit has more mental capability then us!) But
why do we think this? The simple answer is we are taught this, the thing is
when we came out the primordial ooze, we were a we furry rat like thing, and fucking
dinosaurs ruled the world, now look at them?

I am not in one of my rants, andi being depressing again, I really
feel this, and felt it at a young age. My mother is religious and has a saying “we
will not go to hell, as we are already in it! We are really, not the burney fire
shit, just the promise of a good life, just out of reach! That will be on my
fucking gravestone!

Well what’s next? The only thing that’s not happened is me
fucking collapsing with ether a stroke, or a heart attacks, (thanks to lovely
genetics, I have that to look forward to, bless!)



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