I am sitting in the dark, listening to
audible on my echo, and cannot sleep. It’s not that I don’t want to, god knows
my body is screaming for me to sleep, but when I close my eyes, all I can see
is my worries parading in front of my eyes, like a horrible slide show.

For a man my age, I’m such a pussy, I am
scared of my own shadow, I went out 2 weeks ago, and had to ware my headphones,
and the music turned up, I case anyone talked to me. When anyone did, all they
got was a mumble, and sweat running down my forehead, like someone under interrogation.
It’s horrible, I wish I could run away to a wee cottage, out in the middle of
nowhere, all I would need would be internet access, my laptop, and a kindle!

This I know would really affect me going
back into a call centre environment, especially where I am the now, I have very
dear friends that I have made there, but I can barely speak to them, without
going back to that day, and staring at that road, daring myself to walk forward.

And my mind goes to the future, how am I going
to support myself, will anyone employ someone like me, nearly ending my life,
and having a breakdown, I am not exactly going to be employee of the month, and
to myself the only people who will employ me will be low paid manual work,
which will kill me! And talking of killing, will I do it again? I’ve tried 3
times to unsuccessfully kill myself, the thing in the back of my head is will I
succeed one day!

It also doesn’t help with the heat, I hate
felling hot, and I toss and turn like someone with servitor’s dance! It is
lucky, I’m so lacking in the love department, as imagine sharing a bed with me!

Anyhoo, I’m going to end here, hopefully I’m
in the point of falling into unconscious.