The funny thing about mental illness, is it’s not funny.

Oh you’re a riot to the people around you, life and soul of
the party, but inside you want to die inside!

I have tried everything, relaxation, therapy, pills, nothing
works.

Imagine you brain turned on at 1000% and you cannot switch
it off.

Imagine, that you see things in people, think people are
talking about you behind your back, not trusting your own mind.

Then when you do explode, people are surprised that you are
a mental.

I’m a performing seal, smile, do your job, keep your head
down etc., don’t complain, cop yer wack!

There is no grand design, if there was god would be an
idiot, allowing people like me to live, I have a hatred of myself, so much,
it’s no nobody likes me, everyone hates me, I have a deep hatred of myself, my
looks, my mind, my life, my biggest regret is I have not had the guts to end
it.

It’s not the fear of death, I went through that with my
health scare a couple of years ago, no if the fear of pain, I don’t want to be
in pain!

Then you take the pills, and it goes away for a while, no that’s
a lie it goes into the back of your head, it’s still there, stating you’re a failure,
YOURE A FAILURE! And you want to shut it out, and hide, if I was one of the idle
rich, I would hide away in a little cottage by the sea, not see anyone, but
this will never be me I will be one of those lonely people who will slowly
waste away, to the local looney, then find the courage to do myself in.

I used to laugh, and poke fun at Geordie Byson the son of a neighbour
across the road, he lived with his elderly mother, and was the local ‘nutter.’
We believe he had issues with his father, he was in and out of the nutter ward
at monklands hospital, then locked away at Hartwood hospital, he was famous for
not taking his medication, and believing he was the ‘son of god!’ on a small
note I spent one week without my depression tablets, I was climbing the walls. Anyhow
Geordie, was a dangerously sad, and mentally ill man, took himself one day into
Glasgow, and threw himself off a bridge into the Clyde. He was easily forgotten,
it was only writing this made him come back into my memories. I poked fun of an
unstable man, nature has a funny way of flinging it back at your face.

I know I will never be better, I know I will have to take
one day at the time, I want to have just one day where I can peel off the mask and
show the real me!

Anyway thanks for listening