I like Meany people suffer from mental illness, and it’s a horrible
thing.
You want to curl up into a ball, shut out the light and wish
your life away, that’s on a good day. On a bad day you just wish to end your
life.
Again people say poor little me, but these people do not
know what it’s like, and I can only hope do not have to find out.
Growing up I was considered a ‘querie’ I preferred my own
company, shunned away from people, played with myself, most of my child hood,
yes I was taken to clinical psychologists, (at nine,) because they were worried
about me, in my wee world on my own, but to me if I created my wee world,
nobody but me could break it, and believe me I’ve done that several times to myself.
I know now I will never find love, or a partner. One I am a
fat balding gay man, in a world where being good looking is the ideal. Two, not
a great loss, as like my childhood don’t want to allow anyone into my life,
I don’t consider myself lonely, I have always been alone, even as a child, my brothers and
sister had their own friends, I had mine, but even then I was the misfit, not
fitting in anywhere.
The biggest saviour for me was my books, and my painting, my
books took me into the minds of different people, different lives, my painting
always relaxed me gave me something to do.
This blog started several years ago also helped, these words
may never be read my anyone, but to me it’s the only way to get the bad
thoughts out my head. On paper or on this case the screen, I can see my raving
madness for what it is. It reminds me of the years I spent in the closet, you
can imagine living back then, in a Scottish town where its only gay bar was
petrol bombed, can give you a rough idea on what it was like to be a young gay
boy. My gay role models, Larry Grayson, Kenneth Williams, and John ‘I’m free’
Inman. I hated being gay back then, there was nothing ‘gay’ about it. I hated
the terms also ‘faggot,’ ‘homo,’ ‘poof,’ and the one I hated the most ’queer’
that one evil word, as if what I was, is out of the norm. Most of the Bible
bashers out there using those words, picked and chose their quotes from the
bible, without even reading it. Most of them are now drunks and junkies now
anyway, some of them were so fucking in the closet themselves they were bumming
Mr Timus!
Anyone who says to you that school was the best days of
their lives was ether a bully, or a school swot. I was nether so I ran through
school with my head down, through primary 1 till sixth year. I don’t think I really
learned anything from school, other than to stay away from the smokers, and try
to not get bullied, but with a voice like mine that was very hard.
Even I my work place, what I show them is the class clown,
when occasionally Mr serious andi comes out, usually if I have had a bad day, I
don’t get are you ok, or do you want to talk, it where is happy smiley andi, we
want him back, he’s better than you. It is true, I’m not a nice person anymore,
am a unhappy old man, but I don’t know if I can be ‘happy andi’ for very much
longer, it takes me harder and harder to put this face on.
Now I have a headache from all this doom and gloom,
So I better leave you know
Night night
