I have had a recurring dream now, I am being ether sent back to my high school, to redo my exams, (a place in my life I try hard to forget,) or I am being chased by my senior manager at work, having to justify myself, (at the moment, something I am having difficulty doing.) I wake up in a cold sweat, usually about 4am, and cannot get back to sleep.
I don’t know why this is happening, or how I am going to stop it. The nerves are killing me also, cannot go out for a long time as I believe people are looking at me, this is not a nice feeling, the paranoia is getting worse. I take panic attacks, and sweats to the point I want to run. I am also finding it difficult to speak to my family, there is the issue of the overcrowding in the house, I don’t feel this is my house anymore, and I feel would be a lot better if I was not here.
The mood swings are getting worse also, one minute I feel am turning a corner, and the next minute I am back in a ball in the middle of the bed, with a migraine that would make you pray for death!
And if death comes along, It would be a relief, no more having to be me, happy Andi, camp Andi the life and soul of the party, why are you not being upbeat Andi? Why are you not talking to us Andi? You need to go back to the doctor Andi and get further help!*
I put the happy camper Andi ‘face’ on all the time, its a defence machoism, at school when I was bulled, I would go into a wee world of my own, today I laugh, sing, Andi life of the party. Sometimes I don’t want to be ‘Andi,’ sometimes I want to be Andrew, the confused, scared, paranoid boy, who was picked on, going back into that wee ball of protection. Then one day this snapped altogether, I fucked up, I did make a big mistake at work, made to face up to myself that I was a shit, and there I was, back at school, surrounded by them! Wishing I was dead. Then I thought why I am frightened of death, what have I got to live for? And walking out the building that day walking down the side street, to the main road, all I could think is ‘it would be so easy, all I need to do is walk strait on the road, and it would be all over.’
Then your mind rushes another way, ‘what if it would hurt? What if I did not die right away? What if I ended in a wheelchair?’ Then the driver, how would this effect them? They did nothing wrong! And it was that thought that snapped me out of it. And you know walking up slowly to my house, crying, I felt even worse, as a coward not going through with it.
Now I am in limbo, no courage to go back to work, retreating back into my shell, I honestly do not know what I am going to do!
Night night
*to be honest 2 of my doctors, have said they have had bad reports about my work, and that for my health I should not go back.
