Don’t get used to this, I’m not Judith Charmers!

Well, bright and sunny day Friday the 29th of august, felt like Friday the 13th.

I decide to get some well-deserved exercise, and walk to the station, by the time I got there I thought I was going to take a heart attack.

I am fat and unfit, and due to my prolonged stay in my ‘cell’ my leg muscles are, what’s the polite way of saying this, oh yes FUCKED!

So as usual to avoid speaking to absolutely nobody whatsoever, I use the smartcard and vending machine rather than speaking to anyone at the payment desk, (also I didn’t want to play gooseberry with the staff member trying to chat up the person behind the counter, id have to go to the wedding!)

As far as I am concerned the ticket was on the card and I’m ready to go!

So, I wait,

And wait,

Finally, a class 334 train comes along to Glasgow queen street*

*side note this must be the only train in the Scotrail fleet they do not wash, as every time I have got on since they were first introduced has bogging windows!

I choose the first carriage, as if we are going to get into a head on smash, its better getting vaporised right away, than laying in a ball of twisted metal further back in fucking pain. When the doors open, who is standing in front of me are two transport polis! And you know my mind goes into fecking overdrive, (even though I haven’t done anything, plus one is a bloke, and the uniform,,,,,mmmmmm.)

It is also quite handy as every time anyone came to the door to get on, the minute they seen the two fuzz, they do a body swerve to another carriage, and I had to suppress my laughter at the image. It also meant I got the carriage to myself for a while, but sadly others caught on to the idea, and I wasn’t alone for long!

Bit un-eventful from this point from queen street, to central other than the streets being full, and no attempt at social distancing.

Humans I have decided are fucking idiots, we’re selfish and extremely dangerous. And the biggest mad man of them all, Elon Musk, (usually aff his face on the funny fags,) wants us to spread humanity to other worlds, sweet buddha help them!

So, I am at central, a whole other kettle of fish, partly again because its hoatching!

My train appears on the board, so I go to the gates, a whole queue behind me, and my card fails at the gate, PANIC MODE SETS IN!


I can feel every eye behind me, them tutting to themselves, sweat pouring down, along comes the Scotrail gate staff, now you would think, that card is not letting him through the gate, lets check the card, maybe the ticket has not went on/ maybe he has not bought a ticket, no you use your own card and let him pass though! I paid £8.45 that day for a ticket, I could have saved myself a fortune, but the back of my head there is ALWAYS a bit of me that thinks,

“you will get caught!” so I don’t!

So, on board the second train of the day! A class 380, (Christ I sound like a trainspotter,) and to add to the fun every time it sets off it has a wee scream, (don’t believe me? Here’s a wee YouTube vid!)

So, I had the fun of that at EVERY STOP!

So, on went the noise cancelling headphones, and I settled down for a trip down to the seaside!

A half an hour into the journey, due to me having to wear contacts, a mask that suffocates me, the bright lights, cos I’m not wearing my reactions glasses, I have a migraine. I am getting them quite regularly due to this, and I want to take my contacts out, and put my glasses back on, but this is a bit of a faff, also I would have to deal with the steamed up lenses.

Also, I have no painkillers with me, so I’m doubly fucked, oh wait I have a full bladder also, and self-conscious as I am, won’t go for a pee in a train bog! What am I frightened off? The idiots I’m on the train with, you know the ones that don’t know how a fucking mask works, so only cover the mouth and leave the nose free to spread the fucking plague! I’m working on this with this with my therapist, but there is still a wee part of me at the back of my head with them drawing me questioning looks!

I get to Ayr station, what a shithole! I used to think Ayr station was beautiful as a child, it looked like a old fashioned station, now the attached station hotel has been left to ruin, wrapped to look a Christmas present, (badly,) like everything now in this world its badly fucked!

I go to Ayr town centre, and like Glasgow nobody got the social distancing message.

To give you an example, we could all possibly die of the pox, builders have erected a cordon around a building, taking up most of the pavement, do people take it in turns to walk down the narrow piece of pavement, what do you think? To add insult to possible fatal injury some were queuing at the other end to get into a shop packing that part of the street! No police, anything breaking up the gathering!

I got to the beach, and modern development has fucked Ayr, I would say that they may have used the same planning regulators as Airdrie does. As the need to build wee Lego flats, ugly eyesores right on the front has ruined the beachfront at Ayr, (I could rant for hours about North Lanarkshire council turning Airdrie into one large housing scheme, rather than put anyone into the empty shops in the main streets, but that would take days!)

But people were on the beach at Ayr, not social distancing, and one of the weirdest things us scots do, It was sunny, but fecking icy wind, and idiots out sunbathing, two idiots out in the surf with boogie boards, (I could quote Darwin here, but I won’t!) anyhow I was getting bored and my headache was getting worse, so I thought I would brave the train home!

I am currently on Gay dating at the moment, I don’t know what I will get out of it, hopefully friends, maybe a ring one day, but going by some of the responses on the website usually partnered men, (for some reason Gay men who get a man, seem to think one is not enough,) While I was on a train, got a ‘flame,’ from 35 yer old guy, (I won’t mention his name, mainly as a couple of mins later I got 3 pictures from him, 1 of him in a assless thong, 1 of him on the bed naked with 1 MASSIVE WALLOPER! It was huge! And like the great Billy Connolly once said, “he took it about in a Barra!”

And one with said Walloper out and about in a public lift!

The message I got was he liked my picture and would I like to meet up with him and his friends, apparently they take it in turns ‘to host,’ an orgy at each and others houses!

I replied that I was new to the game, a virgin, and politely declined, even though I complemented him on what a lovely boaby!

His reply was “so are you interested?”

I’m assuming most of the blood at that point went from his brain to that massive member!

Again, I thanked him for the offer, but advised him that my first attempt at the art of man-o-man action maybe should not be in the guise of a ‘human kerplunk!’

Anyway, he fucked off!

I got back to Central again I was stopped at the gates with that stupid fecking card! Again rather than helping me I was waved through, same at Glasgow Queen Street, I even asked the woman at the gate to help me check the card, but again was waived through, and she went back bumming to her colleague! I think Coronawonna virus makes us think everyone has the pox and we want to get away from them asap! I was even wearing my sunflower lanyard! I could have been wearing a fecking bell saying, “bring out yer dead,” for all the good it done me!

Anyway, it was hours away from those screaming kids!

Back home I complained to Scotrails customer services, who told me that there was nothing they could do, as it doesn’t seem anything wrong with the card, and their machines at the gates are normally fecked, I pleaded to him due to my autism, and anxiety I find it difficult to speak up, that I feel embarrassed  when I’m left like a ‘ticket dodging scum,’ at the gates! He apologised, done all the pleasantries, and told me to call if it happens again, it probably will, and ill get the same result!