A woman sent me a picture on Facebook, stating, do you know
someone who acts like the hamster wheel is turning but the hamster is dead?

I don’t think there was malice with this, but it made me
think, am I running on autopilot? I’m I loosing interest in life? I have lost
interest in my job, I feel that I have lost all care in what I am doing,
running out of energy.

I feel that I am not even caring if I wake up tomorrow, I
have no romantic ties, yes people might mourn my death, but life will go on,
and I will be a distant memory, this is not a poor little me cry for help, I
know what I am, I know how I feel, I will never be a happy person. To be alone
in the world is a hard thing, but my psyche could not cope with anyone else.

I’m dead really, this is what we call hell, our own minds,
we have reason to feel fear and resentment, I see people around me talking
about me, yes a lot of this psychological, I know I’m a nutcase, but also growing
up being bullied, you know the bastards of this world.

I know that growing up a fat, big headed gay, in Scotland in
the 80s was the biggest joke of all, the only gay bar in my town was petrol
bombed, I am not joking when I say my childhood was the worse period of my

I have thought about killing myself again, how will I do it?
Will it be peaceful, or will I feel pain? I have only got my mother and father
around me, their getting elderly, I don’t know what I would do if I was on my

So is the hamster dead, yep dead and gone, but do I want to
stop the wheel turning this is something I will need to consider.