am I feeling? Well as the nun said to the priest. “a bit further down!”

trying to clear my head, I’m trying to get back on the straight and narrow!

hard, REALLY HARD, one of the most difficult things I’ve done in my life.

difficult to adapt to new things, one of the reasons that got me into this
mess, its like a brick wall, and I have no way of getting through it, and I’m
too stupid to ask for help. This is why I have turned to professional support, I’ve
tried running away and hiding, tried the happy drugs, hopefully this will help
me as I am on my last straw.

don’t think I have the scope yet hurt myself again, the book is not closed on
that yet, and that scares me. I hate felling this way, it controls you, and
currently I am letting it win. They don’t call it the black dog for nothing. And
I’m now going through therapy, think it of it as ‘this is your life,’ with a
lot bawling, self-hate and relief at the end!

feelings are up and down, and take thing far too seriously, and my anxiety
levels, have left me to the point of a hermit! I hate my shitty body running in
fear at the point of someone having the gall to say “hello” to me!

social interactions, aren’t happening at the moment also, (as you can tell from
my last post,) I get on, see the people around me, moaning, or putting up messages
they have pulled out of a cheap greetings card, and don’t get me started on
chain posts, pass this on to 5 people in your contacts and don’t break the
chain! I could not be arsed with chain letters, what makes you think I’m going
to be different with chain posts, (anyway it’s a blatant way of scammers, and Cambridge
Analytica, getting access to your contacts!)

where was I, oh yes ma depression, well I have a new coping machoism, a bit masochistic,
a kitten, with teething issues! Tigger (and he’s apply named,) bounces round,
with not a care in the world, just as long as he gets his food and sleep. Why could
I not been born as a cat, yeah, they do have a short life, but they can lick
their balls, that a positive spot! The scratching, and the biting, (I have arms
and hands, that look like I have went through twelve rounds with Freddie Kruger,)
is worth it to have this little bouncing ball of teeth, and claws, he has literally
saved me this month from going back into a deep depression!

also reading the works of Ruby Wax, and with mindfulness, it will make me ether
presentable, or I end up running a Buddhist monastery. The hope is the former,
as I don’t look good in orange!

those who have been looking for camp andi, he’s gone back into the box right
now, I’m trying to sort out Andrew for now that is my priority, to be honest its
been better for me, as putting on this face was like doing panto 7 days a week,
twice on Wednesdays! I was going to blow out anytime, and I did! And for those
who don’t care, you really weren’t my friend anyway, so you will not be missed!

hoo if depressed you enough, as Dereck accorah says “love and light”