getting very low again!

the song says, “the drugs don’t work!” The depression ones, not Columbian
marching powder! I’m not sleeping, or I go into periods of staying in my bed
and sleeping for days! My mind won’t shut down, any bit of noise sets me off,
(that happens quite a lot!) I know my mum
may be reading this, but I do have days where I think she thinks I’m making all
this up! And for someone, who was compared my last therapist, to Billy, in One
flew over the cuckoo’s nest! (for those who have not read the book, or film,
billy commits suicide, rather than his mother finding out he’s had sex!) and
that’s a whole other story! It hurts me, because for someone, who’s opinion I
hold vital, to think that I have made this all up, a mind like mine, that I’ve
hated all my life, sends me into a tailspin! But enough of my Oedipus issues!

don’t know if it’s the depression, the state of my life, the waiting for a
diagnosis, the stupid forms, I must fill in for the job centre, or all the
above. But the pressure inside me is bubbling up! And the last time that
happed, it nearly didn’t turn out too well! My brain cannot cope with pressure,
its normal response is to RUN! Or reboot and go back into factory settings! I
have a new therapist coming up, (as you can see before, me and my previous
therapist did not get on, that and her trying to push me into things I was not
comfortable with, like joining a Buddhist monastery, (I’m an atheist,) that I
could not have autism/Asperger’s, as I worked in a call centre, even though I
told her how deeply I took it, was told by my boss I held no empathy, and the
inevitable breakdown I had! And now I have to air my dirty issues to a new
person, (something I hate doing,) The paranoia is rearing in my head also, what
if I meet my old therapist, and she asks why she was chucked? (if that
happened, I would go back to the wee stammering boy again, and stare anywhere
but her, and try to come up with something other than “you made my life a
living hell,”)

never been good at expressing myself, some of you may have this also, I can be
quite blunt at times, dam right nasty! Or I could have periods of not talking
at all, there are times I would even cross the road, rather than speak to
someone. My mum today was complaining that “everything was online,” bloody
great! Cos if everything was not online, I would be fucked, I’m glad I can get
my messages from Tesco’s, I only have to point to the delivery driver where to
put the bags! Morrisions is my idea of hell, the aisles are to narrow, and you
have always got 2 pensioners blocking the aisle wanting to talk about the fact
the price of butter has gone up, and its not as good as the old days! I cannot
do the sensible thing, go up to them, say “can you please move, to let me by?”
oh no! not my mind, I would be going through all the scenarios like, what if
one of them screams, at the top of their voice, “don’t be rude!” and I melt
like said butter!

get back on topic, I’m going into a deep dark place, and that fucking black dog
is barking directly at my face. The last time I went to a doctor, it got to a
stage where he said to me, if the drugs are not doing anything for you, we
don’t have anything else we can give you, it did not help that he was looking
to section me, or at least cut my medication down to weekly, cause my sister
said I was having dark thoughts! I am in away, death used to frighten me, but
now I think sometimes, especially the way the world is, and what if something
happened to my sister or mother? I also wonder sometimes how easy it would be
to get on a train, and go somewhere far away, and not come back! But you cannot
run away from yer mind,

used to be a man across the street from me, he was schizophrenic, he believed
he was the son of god! And like any child at the time I pointed and laughed
like the rest of them, not knowing what was going through his mind. It got so
bad one day that he took himself off into Glasgow, and through himself off a
bridge into the Clyde. I look at that now, and I can see myself in his
position, I hate my mind, how it has made me socially awkward, it fights with
me, saying I’m worthless, I cannot compete with anyone, I will be alone! And I
can put myself on that bridge, fighting myself to make the leap!

get me wrong I also have rest bite good days, but at this moment in the cold
bleak winter, sitting her at 5.00am unable to sleep, these are few and far
between! I’m not lonely, I’ve lived in books, and my head most of my life, but
I sometimes wish what could have been! I don’t think I could cope with having a
relationship with anyone ether, I can barely have a relationship with myself!

April the first, I go to the head shrink, (I know the irony!) lay my life out
again, and hopefully get some answers, but if they start pushing me out to meet
the world again, you may see me on the 6oclock news running mental, naked down
the high street, being rugby tackled by 5 burly policemen!

depressed you enough this morning, let’s see if I can get 5mins worth of sleep!