It takes quite a lot now to get me to go out!

I wanted to see how far I could get on my travel bus pass.

So, I thought I would travel to Ayr.

But like so much of my life I went for the train far to fecking early, so instead of paying £3 to get to Glasgow, I would have to pay in the region of £7, Fuck that!

So I hopped on the 201 East Kilbride bus, to describe this bus the best way I can, the bus company, First, to make any money send this bus round every housing scheme known to man from Airdrie to East Kilbride, through wee narrow streets, parked cars, wee auld people climbing on board, getting their own passes out.

So a trip, normally taken down a motorway in about ½ hour, takes over 2 hours, on a hard bus seat with a migraine, a fucking mask that keeps your breath close to your face, like a fucking gas mask, and my autism in being in a packed bus, with idiots close to me, not wearing their own masks right, (what is the point of wearing a mask, when you cover your mouth, but leave the nose free, the other fucking opening that ‘the plague,’ can get out!

Then the idiot behind me, directly behind me, (he could have sat ANYWHERE else on the bus at the time, as at that point it was empty,) decides to cough all over the back of my head! I may as well book the funeral directors at that point!

I didn’t like buses even before my issues with agoraphobia, they are too confined, too noisy, at least with a train you have 6 carriages to play with, if you cannot stand the arseholes in one carriage, get up and go into the next one, (I have issues with trains also, but that’s an even longer story.)

So I’m trapped on this journey to hell, contemplating what I had done wrong in my life, desperate for a piss now, (it’s a 2 hour bus ride, and I have the bladder the size of a 70yr old man!) the rain is battering outside, lovely day to go to the seaside! I have my noise cancelling headphones on to cancel out the pish around me. I am sitting there contemplating which one of my fellow passengers I would like to kill first, probably the knob end that just gave the back of my head a bath, when finally, we reach East Kilbride, Hurrah!

So, one of two things now before I head for another bus, refreshment, and the loo!

So, I wander into the East Kilbride shopping centre, from the outside it looks a shithole, plonked down on the earth and concrete poured on top! Inside thanks to coronawona virus, al the shops have closed down, or have a fun game where you wait outside like a gimp while 2 shop inside, and you have to wait till they look at everything in the shop, walk out then you can get your chance to do the same!

Anyhow I could not find a lavvy!

I’m scared of public lavvies anyway!

  1. I could never do a shit in one, of bearing my arse to a public lavvy seat would give me the dry boalk!
  2. The smell in the men’s, how can i describe it, you know when male cats mark their sent, THAT!
  3. I had opened toed sandals on, not a good thing to wear in a men’s public shitehouse, there is usually ether a 1-inch layer of piss on the floor, or someone has brought up lasts nights curry on the floor!
  4. ‘I’m glory hole guy,’ may be in there! I am a GAY, (who knew!) but I don’t want to experience man-o-man love in a lavvy stall, or a cock coming through a hole like a cuckoo clock! And the shame! What if you were caught? Hauled up in crown court for getting bummed in a lavvy, id die of shame! Also, I would not mind if the bloke was the equivalent of Jason momoa, or Chris Hemsworth, but they are usually more like Wilfred Bramwell!

So, I went in search of refreshments, and thanks to the lovey Jamie ‘Pucker,’ Oliver had to re-mortgage the house to get full fat cola in a bottle!

Now I search the departure board for the nearest bus to Ayr, as I know from previously looking scent that you can get one from East Kilbride, (and at this point you would think I would use my phone again, a mini computer, to check this, and to be honest so do I,) but I went to the departure board and saw it was stance 9, cool! Walking over to stance 9, sat down on the only seat not covered in rain, (why do Scottish bus & railway stations make their seats out of metal? Don’t they go outside?) looked at the timetable, cool! There will be one along at nine mins past the hour! That went! I remember from previous experience that Stagecoach, the bus company, don’t really follow a timetable, more “I’ll be along in a in a couple of mins,” so I’m not worried!

 Still nothing!

A wee lassie comes along, looks at the timetable, sits herself down, I’m still not worried

A half an hour later, some women fae the bus station owners, and asks me “what bus are ye wanting?”

Remember I’ve probably been waiting there ½ an hour, with a full bladder, staring at probably the ugliest town I have ever seen, she’s been Also, away with the cleaning lady at the other end of the concourse, (me with my nature would not normally approach her, why should I? nowhere on the timetable or the fecking stance does it state THERE IS NO BUS HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

I tell her the bus, only to be told that stagecoach pulled the bus due to the coronawona virus!

So, I had two choices,

  1. Wander round East Kilbride looking for its railway station, (and knowing that East Kilbride is laid out like a fecking maze and ringed with major roads and roundabouts, I would probably still be there lost, raped, and left for dead!
  2. Go back on the 201 bus back home, a two-hour drive with the idiots who don’t know how to wear a fecking mask!

So that was attempt 1 to get to Ayr, look out for attempt 2 soon!