hello me

Quell de marge, how we are we all doing today?

Me I’m feeling shit, IBS is flaring up and I want to die.

It feels like you insides are blowing up, and you cannot do
anything to stop it.

Then you have to change your diet to make it as shitty as
possible. Then you die and you are happy.

I would like to have just one normal peaceful day, where I
don’t want to rip my face off.

Living with depression is not living, you don’t live you go
through day to day in pain, and you pray for your bed, and even then you cannot
shut out the pain.

I am also getting more depressed, to the stage that I want
to shut out the world again, and I cannot be bothered with life anymore.

I like Meany people suffer from mental illness, and it’s a horrible
thing.

You want to curl up into a ball, shut out the light and wish
your life away, that’s on a good day. On a bad day you just wish to end your
life.

Again people say poor little me, but these people do not
know what it’s like, and I can only hope do not have to find out.

Growing up I was considered a ‘querie’ I preferred my own
company, shunned away from people, played with myself, most of my child hood,
yes I was taken to clinical psychologists, (at nine,) because they were worried
about me, in my wee world on my own, but to me if I created my wee world,
nobody but me could break it, and believe me I’ve done that several times to myself.

I know now I will never find love, or a partner. One I am a
fat balding gay man, in a world where being good looking is the ideal. Two, not
a great loss, as like my childhood don’t want to allow anyone into my life,

I don’t consider myself lonely, I have always been alone, even as a child, my brothers and
sister had their own friends, I had mine, but even then I was the misfit, not
fitting in anywhere.

The biggest saviour for me was my books, and my painting, my
books took me into the minds of different people, different lives, my painting
always relaxed me gave me something to do.

This blog started several years ago also helped, these words
may never be read my anyone, but to me it’s the only way to get the bad
thoughts out my head. On paper or on this case the screen, I can see my raving
madness for what it is. It reminds me of the years I spent in the closet, you
can imagine living back then, in a Scottish town where its only gay bar was
petrol bombed, can give you a rough idea on what it was like to be a young gay
boy. My gay role models, Larry Grayson, Kenneth Williams, and John ‘I’m free’
Inman. I hated being gay back then, there was nothing ‘gay’ about it. I hated
the terms also ‘faggot,’ ‘homo,’ ‘poof,’ and the one I hated the most ’queer’
that one evil word, as if what I was, is out of the norm. Most of the Bible
bashers out there using those words, picked and chose their quotes from the
bible, without even reading it. Most of them are now drunks and junkies now
anyway, some of them were so fucking in the closet themselves they were bumming
Mr Timus!

Anyone who says to you that school was the best days of
their lives was ether a bully, or a school swot. I was nether so I ran through
school with my head down, through primary 1 till sixth year. I don’t think I really
learned anything from school, other than to stay away from the smokers, and try
to not get bullied, but with a voice like mine that was very hard.

Even I my work place, what I show them is the class clown,
when occasionally Mr serious andi comes out, usually if I have had a bad day, I
don’t get are you ok, or do you want to talk, it where is happy smiley andi, we
want him back, he’s better than you. It is true, I’m not a nice person anymore,
am a unhappy old man, but I don’t know if I can be ‘happy andi’ for very much
longer, it takes me harder and harder to put this face on.

Now I have a headache from all this doom and gloom,

So I better leave you know

Night night

The funny thing about mental illness, is it’s not funny.

Oh you’re a riot to the people around you, life and soul of
the party, but inside you want to die inside!

I have tried everything, relaxation, therapy, pills, nothing
works.

Imagine you brain turned on at 1000% and you cannot switch
it off.

Imagine, that you see things in people, think people are
talking about you behind your back, not trusting your own mind.

Then when you do explode, people are surprised that you are
a mental.

I’m a performing seal, smile, do your job, keep your head
down etc., don’t complain, cop yer wack!

There is no grand design, if there was god would be an
idiot, allowing people like me to live, I have a hatred of myself, so much,
it’s no nobody likes me, everyone hates me, I have a deep hatred of myself, my
looks, my mind, my life, my biggest regret is I have not had the guts to end
it.

It’s not the fear of death, I went through that with my
health scare a couple of years ago, no if the fear of pain, I don’t want to be
in pain!

Then you take the pills, and it goes away for a while, no that’s
a lie it goes into the back of your head, it’s still there, stating you’re a failure,
YOURE A FAILURE! And you want to shut it out, and hide, if I was one of the idle
rich, I would hide away in a little cottage by the sea, not see anyone, but
this will never be me I will be one of those lonely people who will slowly
waste away, to the local looney, then find the courage to do myself in.

I used to laugh, and poke fun at Geordie Byson the son of a neighbour
across the road, he lived with his elderly mother, and was the local ‘nutter.’
We believe he had issues with his father, he was in and out of the nutter ward
at monklands hospital, then locked away at Hartwood hospital, he was famous for
not taking his medication, and believing he was the ‘son of god!’ on a small
note I spent one week without my depression tablets, I was climbing the walls. Anyhow
Geordie, was a dangerously sad, and mentally ill man, took himself one day into
Glasgow, and threw himself off a bridge into the Clyde. He was easily forgotten,
it was only writing this made him come back into my memories. I poked fun of an
unstable man, nature has a funny way of flinging it back at your face.

I know I will never be better, I know I will have to take
one day at the time, I want to have just one day where I can peel off the mask and
show the real me!

Anyway thanks for listening

welcome to the health kick, i am measuring in to everything in to my health, my food, my exercise and work.

I am also getting felt up by a doctor 2morrow to stop my ibs.

lets start with getting round on ma bike, going to start doing this this week.

also, i’m going to finally, finally going to join open university!

Im going to go forward for my driving licence again.

heell on earth

well, lets begin!

I am now ill again, and my luck follows me around like a bad penny!

I am not allowed to feel ill anymore, and I am also slowly losing the will tae live.

I suppose this is also due to christmas, the shittiest day of the year! I me being the antidepressant idiot, atheist, the whole issue of christmas is a money making racket.

Then here wee go into new year, and every year i promised myself i will have a good new year, then shit happens, it take it the thing to do is not to promise you are going to have a good new year!

The wae i am going, i will need to take a cold hard look at myself, where i’m going and what i want to do with my life, because the current one is not going anywhere!

Well holibags was shit, spent most of it in bed watching shit tv and ill.

I need tae start taking and long hard look at my life, as of now it is going nowhere!

I am seriously not well, the depression is getting to the stage again I do not wish to be here any more! I get angry with myself that i cannot get out the mire, and i am frightained I will do something stupid. With this the paranoia is scary, i feel everyone is looking at my, and not in a good way.

I honestly cannot say I like myself, I am not a nice person, I closed and secretive, i dont open up to people, i bury my head in the sand and hope the world goes away.

What a sad pathetic life i have.

Hello, ladies hallo

Well what are we going to do now?

Life is shit, and then you die, then when your me, you die, and your re-animated and tortured some more then, you die, and so on…

Help was meant to come, in the force of new depression tablets, they are not working, i’m in a dark place, and don’t know where to go.

I have been off on the sick with stomach problems, mostly caused by the state of my mind, and the laugh a minute, cure get away from all stress, yes that will happen. The only way i will get peace is when i am worm food. Happy thoughts, happy thoughts, happy thoughts.

Then in my life, I know I will be lonely, I have prepared myself for it. Why then am I looking for someone on shitty websites like Gaydar, which to me is a bush in the park that all the pervs hide behind all wanting a quick fumble. There is nobody looking for the long term relationship, and being a GAY, well, thats a joke in itself, a gay is all about LOOKS, and that is NOT what i was blessed with. I am not saying poor little me, I know I look like a dog, that has been dragged through the hedge backward, I am saying this if there was a higher being, I would be one of his little jokes.

Give me my books and my imagination anyday!

People can sometimes weird me out, I feel people are talking about me all the time, I know this is not alway the case, can’t help it though, stems also from my time at school, i would love to meet the person that said ‘school the best days of your life’ I would have put them through the mental torture of my time in my school, dicks, probably some american doc, usually this is where it happens.

I am mentally ill, I should realise this, It will not be ‘fixed’ but I want to cope with it, I want to just feel ‘normal’

to-da-loo

Imagine you’re having a nightmare, where you’re naked, running down the street, in the daytime, and people you know are laughing and plumbing you with shit, this would be close to what i feel most days at the moment!

People are getting on my nerves at the moment, and then you have to post that fake face on and pretend that nothing is wrong. I’m so fed up in doing this. I want a nice normal life where nobody is out tae stab me in the face.

Then there is the work situation, I am starting to panic again, this is doing my nut in, as now i have to deal with the screaming people, but now have to deal with it without having a clue what to do, oh and will have to do it well, otherwise, frog marched into the room again with the kangaroo court.

I found out early, that this world is a bastard, and if this was some intelligent design by someone, they are sadly taking the piss, or mentally ill, and they are themselves being patronised, saying ‘your doing well,’ like old mr grace in ‘are you being served.’

That sort of gives you an idea of my life at the moment, how i have not turned to drink I don’t know!