hello me

I am sitting in the dark, listening to
audible on my echo, and cannot sleep. It’s not that I don’t want to, god knows
my body is screaming for me to sleep, but when I close my eyes, all I can see
is my worries parading in front of my eyes, like a horrible slide show.

For a man my age, I’m such a pussy, I am
scared of my own shadow, I went out 2 weeks ago, and had to ware my headphones,
and the music turned up, I case anyone talked to me. When anyone did, all they
got was a mumble, and sweat running down my forehead, like someone under interrogation.
It’s horrible, I wish I could run away to a wee cottage, out in the middle of
nowhere, all I would need would be internet access, my laptop, and a kindle!

This I know would really affect me going
back into a call centre environment, especially where I am the now, I have very
dear friends that I have made there, but I can barely speak to them, without
going back to that day, and staring at that road, daring myself to walk forward.

And my mind goes to the future, how am I going
to support myself, will anyone employ someone like me, nearly ending my life,
and having a breakdown, I am not exactly going to be employee of the month, and
to myself the only people who will employ me will be low paid manual work,
which will kill me! And talking of killing, will I do it again? I’ve tried 3
times to unsuccessfully kill myself, the thing in the back of my head is will I
succeed one day!

It also doesn’t help with the heat, I hate
felling hot, and I toss and turn like someone with servitor’s dance! It is
lucky, I’m so lacking in the love department, as imagine sharing a bed with me!

Anyhoo, I’m going to end here, hopefully I’m
in the point of falling into unconscious.

Ahoy-hoy

I
am here up @ 3am cannot sleep. Its 3 days to the big grill on Saturday, I hate
talking about myself, which is why I talk through this. Everyone is telling me
I am going to be cut off, and that is putting me in a downer.

I
started my life in therapy on Monday, it seemed to help understand why I am
what I am, its mainly due to my life growing up. I have black moods, lack or no
confidence, anxiety, no self-respect in myself.

As
I sit here writing this, not being able to sleep, I want to, but every time I
close my eyes I see my future flashing behind my lids!

Its
taking longer to write these rants now, not that I don’t have shit to put down,
but my head is too full of shit, whirling around, hence lack of sleep. It is horrible
having a mind like mine, that just won’t shut up. Painting sometimes takes the
frustrating out, but again, I have the same issue there, I get up to place the
first stroke, and my mind takes over and I’m back in the black again.

It
is the black dog, its well named, as like a dog its liable to strike out, and
it effects the others around me.

Hello, I am here listening to music, as it seems to be the
only way, other than this to drown out the thoughts in my head.

I wish my depression tablets were working, but they haven’t since
I went on them, the problem I have is that I haven’t got any way to switch off
my horrible thoughts, its like the volume control doesn’t work. To give an example
of this, I am constantly having dreams of being at work, and feeling trapped,
and back where I was in school, being bullied for being ‘different’ I think all
my confidence went, on what happened in that school, children are bastards, and
they grow up to be adult bastards, to be honest, us humans, (and I include
myself in this,) we are fucking awful, we have horrible minds, we are horrible
to the animals living with us on the planet, we are actually killing this
spinning rock that we are on, and now the ‘geniuses,’ and I use the word very loosely,
and maybe wrongly, want to go out to other planets, and conquer them, only to
do the bloody same!

I don’t believe in any religion, spooky man upstairs, with
his son, and doonstairs the bad man in the Burney fire, we are molecules of
carbon, we will cop one’s whack, get ether burnt or buried, go back into the
ground and be fertiliser, for more wee bastards! We are not some big experiment,
we are not even top of the food chain, or even may be the cleverest, (if idiots
can vote for an openly racist, bigot, molester beast in trump, I would say a
fucking monkey sitting in his own shit has more mental capability then us!) But
why do we think this? The simple answer is we are taught this, the thing is
when we came out the primordial ooze, we were a we furry rat like thing, and fucking
dinosaurs ruled the world, now look at them?

I am not in one of my rants, andi being depressing again, I really
feel this, and felt it at a young age. My mother is religious and has a saying “we
will not go to hell, as we are already in it! We are really, not the burney fire
shit, just the promise of a good life, just out of reach! That will be on my
fucking gravestone!

Well what’s next? The only thing that’s not happened is me
fucking collapsing with ether a stroke, or a heart attacks, (thanks to lovely
genetics, I have that to look forward to, bless!)

Hello world, its come to my attention, that they are fucking idiots in the world, more idiotic than me. They are white, nationalist, (Nazi) and fucking ass to the sky wired to the moon.

Is that wrong of me? Not really, if anything I am being nice. Something that these idiots are not. Thanks to the wonderful Mr Trump, (yes I am being sarcastic,) It is now OK again be a fucking racist, because in their eyes, they are not racists, they are patriotic, but no they are fucking racists!

The new one is to target anyone that has opposing views, the nice people, to give you an idea, everyone was commenting on the North and South Korea, going into the Olympic ceremony, as one team, this is fucking amazing, as before they were at each others throats like rabid animals. Because trumpypumpydodahTM has a thing for Kim Jong-Un, the leader of North Korea, (don’t know what it is, may like his hair, or the clothes he wears,) basically they are one in the same, fucking radio rental. Anyhoo, Pence his vice president, (another mental, who believes in the ‘gay cure,’) was ordered not to stand up when the Korean team came in, every other delegate did, but in trumpypumpydodahTM eyes, and the rest of his fuckwits, it was north Korea coming in! When I pointed this on twitter, the abuse I got form these fuckwits, was from I was approving of mass murder, to I was a lefty commie, who was mentally ill. All I wanted to point out was this was a peaceful show of a united team, not at each others throats, and not wishing to kill us in a big ball of white light. What this shows now is the only real dictatorships, are fucking Trumps, and Putin.

Trump is even acting like a dictator, controlling what information goes out to the public, what people surround him, he is even looking to have a fucking military parade like the ones in red square. And everyone, EVERYONE, are to scared to touch him, as he has the support of the ‘I love my gun’ brigade, and nobody is wanting another civil war.

It will get worse, as he slowly feeds the world his idea of the news, and the real news will be labelled as ‘fake news,’ this is like a Orwellian nightmare brought to life.

I used to fear death, now I am hoping it will come as swiftly as possible.

Well how do we fight this, well we get our message out, like the resistance during the war, make sure there is clear information, showing the lies and greed, the Republican party, and the Russian government are spreading. With the later, its like a evil mastermind scheme that has been set up by a Bond baddie, and doesn’t Valerie Putin look the part.

So before I am marched of to the death camp, for being a leftie, (which I am not,) and a big screaming gay, (which I fucking am!) remember this little rant, as they could be coming for you.

Nighty Night, don’t let the Nazis bite!

I have had a recurring dream now, I am being ether sent back to my high school, to redo my exams, (a place in my life I try hard to forget,) or I am being chased by my senior manager at work, having to justify myself, (at the moment, something I am having difficulty doing.) I wake up in a cold sweat, usually about 4am, and cannot get back to sleep.

I don’t know why this is happening, or how I am going to stop it. The nerves are killing me also, cannot go out for a long time as I believe people are looking at me, this is not a nice feeling, the paranoia is getting worse. I take panic attacks, and sweats to the point I want to run. I am also finding it difficult to speak to my family, there is the issue of the overcrowding in the house, I don’t feel this is my house anymore, and I feel would be a lot better if I was not here.

The mood swings are getting worse also, one minute I feel am turning a corner, and the next minute I am back in a ball in the middle of the bed, with a migraine that would make you pray for death!

And if death comes along, It would be a relief, no more having to be me, happy Andi, camp Andi the life and soul of the party, why are you not being upbeat Andi? Why are you not talking to us Andi? You need to go back to the doctor Andi and get further help!*

I put the happy camper Andi ‘face’ on all the time, its a defence machoism, at school when I was bulled, I would go into a wee world of my own, today I laugh, sing, Andi life of the party. Sometimes I don’t want to be ‘Andi,’ sometimes I want to be Andrew, the confused, scared, paranoid boy, who was picked on, going back into that wee ball of protection. Then one day this snapped altogether, I fucked up, I did make a big mistake at work, made to face up to myself that I was a shit, and there I was, back at school, surrounded by them! Wishing I was dead. Then I thought why I am frightened of death, what have I got to live for? And walking out the building that day walking down the side street, to the main road, all I could think is ‘it would be so easy, all I need to do is walk strait on the road, and it would be all over.’

Then your mind rushes another way, ‘what if it would hurt? What if I did not die right away? What if I ended in a wheelchair?’ Then the driver, how would this effect them? They did nothing wrong! And it was that thought that snapped me out of it. And you know walking up slowly to my house, crying, I felt even worse, as a coward not going through with it.

Now I am in limbo, no courage to go back to work, retreating back into my shell, I honestly do not know what I am going to do!

Night night

*to be honest 2 of my doctors, have said they have had bad reports about my work, and that for my health I should not go back.

Hello, well I am a zombie, I would find it funny, if I wasn’t zonked out on my depression tablets.

I am tired ALL the time, I am also agoraphobic, I don’t want to go outside, I want to stay in my bubble, frightened that I will finish the job and throw myself in front of a train.

Its hard to explain it to the ‘normal’ everything’s fucking ok with the world, and god is a wonderful thing. If there was a god (there isn’t by they way, god is a fucking joke the god bothers promise you, so your not frightened when you eventually cop your whack,) the ‘normals’ think you can laugh it off, they sail through life with no issues at all, BOLLOCKS! Nobody is ‘normal’ were all fucking going to hell in a handbasket, no scrap that we are in hell!

Hell is a place were you are murdered because you don’t worship the ‘right’ god!

Hell is a place where the fucking rich hold your face at the huge pile of shit then ram it right in, (the world in which Boris (abbymormal) Johnson, has power!)

Hell is the place where poor weins can go to bed starving at night because their mothers, and fathers are on minimum wages, and can ether feed their weins, or heat the house.

I hate this world and everything in it! Is it any wonder why I am suicidal?

Nobody wants to be mentally ill, its horrible, your broken, where I see myself as a piece of garbage, that should have been destroyed. This is not nobody likes me, everybody hates me, I am not writing this to get sympathy, I’m writing this because I’m shit at communicating it to people, and if I do succeed in ‘topping’ my self, there is a record of why.

Were sold the idea that we are the top of the fucking tree, and this is the most evil thing we are taught, we are flawed and broken like the basic animals. I do hate what I have become, a fat balding, gay, weirdo, socially inept, mental! When you don’t like yourself, what hope have you!

Anyhoo, another day survived

Well it has been a shit couple of months, and I so need take get ma medication upped.

I have not blogged for a while, and although I love you, I need to have the need to write, and once I start it comes put like drivel!

So its quarter to one on a Saturday morning, I have most haunted in the background, I have trapped wind and am fucking depressed. Not a head in the oven depressed, (though i have been there before,) no this is the shitty feeling inside, where you think the whole world is against you.

I am a walking contradiction, I portray the camp fun loving Andi on the outside and on the inside I want to claw my face off.

Its a horrible feeling depression, where you feel like you are shit and worthless, a small pill I take at night, that knocks you bandy, is meant to make me cope throuout the day, really doesn’t, and if i go onto any higher medication, I would be going inte lithium territory. I am not going to get wired up tae the National grid for anyone.

The best way to describe how I feel , is a smaller version of yourself, in front of you, stating that your a fucking state, your a waste of life, away and go do someone a favour and kill yourself!

And this is a horrible feeling, as you look around at the people around you, and you can see in their faces that they are agreeing with this.

I will have this with me till the end of my life, that’s a sobering thought.

Anyhoow

Time to sleep

Ahoy hoy

Andi

Well what do you think of that?

I spent 1 week in a caravan, in the back of the beyond, with
my nephew, and my mother, and I survived, hurrah!

I think I am now ok on my own, Yes I love my family dearly,
but I find the quiet with my kindle and my art appealing.

I’m not a big telly watcher now, with the wonders of catch-up,
and TiVo I don’t need to sit through the rubbish anyway, I can pick and choose.

Am I a sociopath? I don’t think so, I have genuine love for
my family and friends, but at the same time, I am glad sometimes I can leave at
any time.

I have had a shit upbringing when it comes to family life, my
dad’s existence was the football match, drinks with his brothers every
Saturday, and his fags in that order. We came a long way down the list. MY
mother who I love deeply, regretted ever marring my father, and if was the
present day, would not have, and although I would not have existed, I sometimes
wish my mother had that choice, because she has had a sad life.

This has affected me in getting close to anyone, that and
the stupid MAIN ‘queerness’ that makes you weary of approaching anyone, that
and living as a gay person in Scotland in the 80s, where we are seen as aids
carriers, and the work of Satan!

Then you think about being alone, I live partly all my day
alone, and in my head, I created as a child a family, relationships for myself in
my head, then lost in my thoughts throughout the day.

I have now got the man flu, and my head is sore so I will
leave you for now,

Ta ta