hello me

Shit happens!

Well to me this is not what happens, I have a build up
inside me, till it gets painful, then brown rain. And the embracement of dealing
with this.

It is humiliating having to explain myself when it happens,
every fucking time. To the uneducated, Irritable Bowel Syndrome (or IBS,) Is
NOT CUREABLE, there is not a magic pill, not a procedure that can cure it, I have
to watch what I eat, what I drink for the rest of my life, and it is shit because
what your left with is the blandest, tasteless rubbish imaginable.

Then are the tablets, one to take the bloating and cramps
away, one to take the brown stuff, and one to take the pain away, it’s a wonder
that when I walk I don’t rattle.

Oh and don’t forget the depression tablets, without them I would
be a raving psycho. I’m also a paranoid werdo that thinks the world is against
me.

What next I here you roll with laughter at my poor little me
rant, well I’m hanging on this dirt ball in space, with grim death. I walk through
life with a mask, yes on the outside the flamboyant andi, who screams GAY to
the world, this is NOT me, I am a quiet wee mouse, as I mentioned I’m a
screaming paranoid person, who thinks the world is out to get me, this is not a
new thing, this was fucking hammered into me through school, trying not to be
the GAY FREAK, you have no idea how fucking evil children are, till you’re on
the end of the bulling, its fucking hateful, and I wish I could say that was a generation
thing, it’s not it changes with every generation, to something more shittier.

That’s why I walk through life like a fucking flamboyant idiot,
when all I want to do is crawl into a ball and hide away from the world. It literally
KILLS me every day to put on the act, and it is an act, you ask my family,
because I refuse to be that scared little kid again. There is NO fucking way I will
go back to that again.

Anyhoo night night

A woman sent me a picture on Facebook, stating, do you know
someone who acts like the hamster wheel is turning but the hamster is dead?

I don’t think there was malice with this, but it made me
think, am I running on autopilot? I’m I loosing interest in life? I have lost
interest in my job, I feel that I have lost all care in what I am doing,
running out of energy.

I feel that I am not even caring if I wake up tomorrow, I
have no romantic ties, yes people might mourn my death, but life will go on,
and I will be a distant memory, this is not a poor little me cry for help, I
know what I am, I know how I feel, I will never be a happy person. To be alone
in the world is a hard thing, but my psyche could not cope with anyone else.

I’m dead really, this is what we call hell, our own minds,
we have reason to feel fear and resentment, I see people around me talking
about me, yes a lot of this psychological, I know I’m a nutcase, but also growing
up being bullied, you know the bastards of this world.

I know that growing up a fat, big headed gay, in Scotland in
the 80s was the biggest joke of all, the only gay bar in my town was petrol
bombed, I am not joking when I say my childhood was the worse period of my
life.

I have thought about killing myself again, how will I do it?
Will it be peaceful, or will I feel pain? I have only got my mother and father
around me, their getting elderly, I don’t know what I would do if I was on my
own.

So is the hamster dead, yep dead and gone, but do I want to
stop the wheel turning this is something I will need to consider.

Wonder what it’s like to have a mental problem?

With me it’s the constant paranoia, this sends me into panic
attack mode, then this sends me into a constant depression and you want to
stote yourself off a very high cliff.

I have contemplated suicide, it’s not nice having those
thoughts in your head, and you feel so useless and a waste of space, you also
want to make it all easy for others, this is always the reason why I pull away,
so far, what would be the effect on my family, will they be fully upset, angry,
will it put them into debit for burning me, etc. The last thing you thing about
is yourself.

I have attempted Suicide twice in my life, the first time
was to chuck myself in front of a bus, messy and very final, or would it would
I be killed right away, or will I would be paralysed, being more of a burden to
my parents. Then think of the driver, what if he did kill me, he would be
driving the method of my death, maybe their children on board, see you don’t
think of yourself only others.

And this is my life every day, a struggle to stay sane. I have
only seen a psychiatrist once in my life and that was when I was young and not
aware of my depressions, I’m also very introverted, this is probable why I have
not let anyone get close to me, I also panic VERY easily, and struggle with paranoia,
I’m a psychiatrists’ wet dream, they could do a book on me.

This is what angers me in the world today, people with
mental health issues are classed as attention seeking, and lazy, try for
example take time of work as I have done, as I took a mini breakdown, and you’re
are classed as a waste of space, which really helps.

So me, what’s the future?

I am on the happy pills, probably will be on them for the
rest of my life, my therapy at the moment is this, one I have spoken to my
doctor, who promise to get me to a psychiatrist, that has not come through, and
two I cannot at moment to go private, even if no one reads this, it’s good to
get your frustration out to the world.

Now the happy pills are kicking in I better sign off before I
conk out in front of my laptop.

Mad mental forever

Andi

This is all it takes?

That we are on a big ball in the middle of space, going roon
a bigger fiery ball. I’m a cynic, always have been.

It’s now the new year, and hurrah, another year in this shit
hole, see the fannies that mention, Nostradamus, and those fucking myaens, yes
oh yes, did they get it right, so much so that their own fucking race died out!

Where are the big fiery astoroids? Where is the rapture, I will
tell you where, in the minds of the people who want to control us, as I mentioned
before, humans are idiots, we are told be a good little follower, and you can
have a wonderful afterlife, these people then drive fucking planes into
buildings, or murder people in the glory of a great leader. We don’t need to
look to the skies for a big fucking boulder, we need to be looking at the cunts
around you.

When I was a kid, you looked to your parents for your
leadership, one thing I can thank for is they never forcerd religion at me,
imagine a wee gay boy being constantly told that the feelings he had were
wrong, and people like me were going tae hell, we now realise the same people
doing this were feeling up the kids also. When I have suddenly grown up and
realised if I was more open with myself at school I might have done well,
rather than being the lonely, bullied boy I was.

I think that is one reason, I have never looked for companionship,
or having a child myself, I would be so scared brining a child into this world
these days. You only have to look at programmes on tv like, the only way is Essex,
the Kardashians, or made in Chelsea, and you lose all hope in mankind!

We have prime ministers of fuck dead pigs, chancellors who
burn money in front of homeless people, governments who prefer to sell arms to dictatorships,
and in the next minute bomb the fuck out of them, to bring in new dictators to
sell them arms, and you wonder why I’m on depression tablets before I’m forty

It’s getting shitty weather time out there and I have one
word to say to all the scientists out there, where is the warming world you are
talking about? And why the fuck can’t I see it?

I am not a stupid man, but even I know when we’re being
conned.

Well back on the oldie days, we were frightened about the
big bad vengeful god telling us we were fucked, and we were all going to hell,
no pass go, no collect 200, your fucked, you’re going to hell. And the wee
village idiots put their faith in the local god botherer, who for some reason
could get you a day pass to heaven.

We all need to be told what to do, case in point, when do
you read the fine print?

Everybody sees the FREE, FREE, FREE, nobody checks the fine
print on what they want from you to make it FREE, FREE, FREE. There IS NOT A
FREE LUNCH out there, but the simpletons, the idiots who believe what they are
told, think there is, they want to be babied, spoon fed, told every think is
ok. Well here is the meaning of life, NOPE everyone wants something, you, me,
everybody. We don’t get a free pass through life and anyone who thinks this is
sadly deluded.

You ask why so cynical at this point in life, well you
suddenly open your eyes one day and think, why?

I’ve been thinking this for the last 30 years.

Now I’m sitting here tonight in pain, IBS (or Its Bloody
SORE!) hits you in two ways, you could ether be doubled up in pain with cramps,
and the farmer Giles, or now running out of me like brown rain. And to top it
off you get a sore arse, hence 2 o’clock in the morning wide awake and taking
to you! It’s a symptom that most people think that your making up, but believe
me the pure fear of shitting yourself, for passing wind, is no my cup of tea.

Work wise, bit of light relief, cut my hours right back,
needed to do this or would be looking for a new job. Now all I need to get the
diet right and I’ll be fucked.

Night night

Do you know what I don’t get, people who want to be famous!

It must be shit being famous, for one thing you are on a
scale of famous, a list, your brad pitts your Angelina jolies, your Beyoncé.

Then you have the opposite end, the z lists or to give you
an example, peter André.

Then you have got the dicks that ‘win’ fandom the reality
show dicks, the world’s worst being Katie Hopkins, a woman I would gladly see
die painfully.

I am all for people showing their talent under a bushel, I am
an artist, I have never claimed though to be the next van gough, and demanded
my art on a gallery wall. I paint for myself, if others like it, so be it,
gives me a wee spark, that my works appreciated.

It’s the same with musical bands that put themselves out
there, do gigs, put their music to record companies, and strive for years to go
forward, I’m fine with this, I will support them whole heartily, might not like
their music though.

What I am not happy with is this idea, of talent shows,
marketing an express elevator to the top. What I can see, and I’m using xfactor
as an example, is go on it, give a sob story, sing (through auto tune,) a song
written by someone else, idiots vote for this, then they win, they are then
around for let’s be generous, half a year, then we forget about them, go on to
the next series, is it me or is this effectively like conning a mentally
disabled person out of money?

Yet government regulators allow this, go figure.

Let’s go back to Katie Hopkins, I personally hated her in
the apprentice, claimed that she was not in this for the fame, she genuinely
wanted the job, (back then, it was the job, not the partnership,) she was a
nasty piece of work all the way through it, but the producers cynically saw
that if there was a miss nasty through the series we would watch, and to my
shame I did.

It came to the grand final and it was that bitch, up with
some nobody, even now the name escapes me, and we got Katie Hopkins, over the
table promising lord sugar that she was in it for the job and not the fame,
thankfully the cow did not get the job in the end, two reasons, one lord sugar
is not that daft, two currys would have a mad rush on people buying new tvs
after people putting the boot in in their old ones if that had happened.

Now forward over to present, Katie Hopkins, remember not in
it for the fame, venting her spleen about any issue so she stays in the
headlines and stays famous. I also have to wonder why she do everything in our
power to shut up hate figures, when we allow Katie Hopkins to spout her racist,
bigoted views out there, I know if she ever reads this, would say she has a
right to free speech, but in that respect don’t the hate mongers have those
same rights?

The world is going to hell in a hand cart, because we don’t do
anything for others, we are only interested in ourselves, its true ask
yourself, if there were two people in a room, you and another person, both of
you are thirsty, but there is only one glass of water, would you give it to the
other person, or would you keep it yourself, Nobody I bet will say they would
share it.

On that depressing note

Ahoy hoy

Quell de marge, how we are we all doing today?

Me I’m feeling shit, IBS is flaring up and I want to die.

It feels like you insides are blowing up, and you cannot do
anything to stop it.

Then you have to change your diet to make it as shitty as
possible. Then you die and you are happy.

I would like to have just one normal peaceful day, where I
don’t want to rip my face off.

Living with depression is not living, you don’t live you go
through day to day in pain, and you pray for your bed, and even then you cannot
shut out the pain.

I am also getting more depressed, to the stage that I want
to shut out the world again, and I cannot be bothered with life anymore.

I like Meany people suffer from mental illness, and it’s a horrible
thing.

You want to curl up into a ball, shut out the light and wish
your life away, that’s on a good day. On a bad day you just wish to end your
life.

Again people say poor little me, but these people do not
know what it’s like, and I can only hope do not have to find out.

Growing up I was considered a ‘querie’ I preferred my own
company, shunned away from people, played with myself, most of my child hood,
yes I was taken to clinical psychologists, (at nine,) because they were worried
about me, in my wee world on my own, but to me if I created my wee world,
nobody but me could break it, and believe me I’ve done that several times to myself.

I know now I will never find love, or a partner. One I am a
fat balding gay man, in a world where being good looking is the ideal. Two, not
a great loss, as like my childhood don’t want to allow anyone into my life,

I don’t consider myself lonely, I have always been alone, even as a child, my brothers and
sister had their own friends, I had mine, but even then I was the misfit, not
fitting in anywhere.

The biggest saviour for me was my books, and my painting, my
books took me into the minds of different people, different lives, my painting
always relaxed me gave me something to do.

This blog started several years ago also helped, these words
may never be read my anyone, but to me it’s the only way to get the bad
thoughts out my head. On paper or on this case the screen, I can see my raving
madness for what it is. It reminds me of the years I spent in the closet, you
can imagine living back then, in a Scottish town where its only gay bar was
petrol bombed, can give you a rough idea on what it was like to be a young gay
boy. My gay role models, Larry Grayson, Kenneth Williams, and John ‘I’m free’
Inman. I hated being gay back then, there was nothing ‘gay’ about it. I hated
the terms also ‘faggot,’ ‘homo,’ ‘poof,’ and the one I hated the most ’queer’
that one evil word, as if what I was, is out of the norm. Most of the Bible
bashers out there using those words, picked and chose their quotes from the
bible, without even reading it. Most of them are now drunks and junkies now
anyway, some of them were so fucking in the closet themselves they were bumming
Mr Timus!

Anyone who says to you that school was the best days of
their lives was ether a bully, or a school swot. I was nether so I ran through
school with my head down, through primary 1 till sixth year. I don’t think I really
learned anything from school, other than to stay away from the smokers, and try
to not get bullied, but with a voice like mine that was very hard.

Even I my work place, what I show them is the class clown,
when occasionally Mr serious andi comes out, usually if I have had a bad day, I
don’t get are you ok, or do you want to talk, it where is happy smiley andi, we
want him back, he’s better than you. It is true, I’m not a nice person anymore,
am a unhappy old man, but I don’t know if I can be ‘happy andi’ for very much
longer, it takes me harder and harder to put this face on.

Now I have a headache from all this doom and gloom,

So I better leave you know

Night night