hello me

The funny thing about mental illness, is it’s not funny.

Oh you’re a riot to the people around you, life and soul of
the party, but inside you want to die inside!

I have tried everything, relaxation, therapy, pills, nothing
works.

Imagine you brain turned on at 1000% and you cannot switch
it off.

Imagine, that you see things in people, think people are
talking about you behind your back, not trusting your own mind.

Then when you do explode, people are surprised that you are
a mental.

I’m a performing seal, smile, do your job, keep your head
down etc., don’t complain, cop yer wack!

There is no grand design, if there was god would be an
idiot, allowing people like me to live, I have a hatred of myself, so much,
it’s no nobody likes me, everyone hates me, I have a deep hatred of myself, my
looks, my mind, my life, my biggest regret is I have not had the guts to end
it.

It’s not the fear of death, I went through that with my
health scare a couple of years ago, no if the fear of pain, I don’t want to be
in pain!

Then you take the pills, and it goes away for a while, no that’s
a lie it goes into the back of your head, it’s still there, stating you’re a failure,
YOURE A FAILURE! And you want to shut it out, and hide, if I was one of the idle
rich, I would hide away in a little cottage by the sea, not see anyone, but
this will never be me I will be one of those lonely people who will slowly
waste away, to the local looney, then find the courage to do myself in.

I used to laugh, and poke fun at Geordie Byson the son of a neighbour
across the road, he lived with his elderly mother, and was the local ‘nutter.’
We believe he had issues with his father, he was in and out of the nutter ward
at monklands hospital, then locked away at Hartwood hospital, he was famous for
not taking his medication, and believing he was the ‘son of god!’ on a small
note I spent one week without my depression tablets, I was climbing the walls. Anyhow
Geordie, was a dangerously sad, and mentally ill man, took himself one day into
Glasgow, and threw himself off a bridge into the Clyde. He was easily forgotten,
it was only writing this made him come back into my memories. I poked fun of an
unstable man, nature has a funny way of flinging it back at your face.

I know I will never be better, I know I will have to take
one day at the time, I want to have just one day where I can peel off the mask and
show the real me!

Anyway thanks for listening

welcome to the health kick, i am measuring in to everything in to my health, my food, my exercise and work.

I am also getting felt up by a doctor 2morrow to stop my ibs.

lets start with getting round on ma bike, going to start doing this this week.

also, i’m going to finally, finally going to join open university!

Im going to go forward for my driving licence again.

heell on earth

well, lets begin!

I am now ill again, and my luck follows me around like a bad penny!

I am not allowed to feel ill anymore, and I am also slowly losing the will tae live.

I suppose this is also due to christmas, the shittiest day of the year! I me being the antidepressant idiot, atheist, the whole issue of christmas is a money making racket.

Then here wee go into new year, and every year i promised myself i will have a good new year, then shit happens, it take it the thing to do is not to promise you are going to have a good new year!

The wae i am going, i will need to take a cold hard look at myself, where i’m going and what i want to do with my life, because the current one is not going anywhere!

Well holibags was shit, spent most of it in bed watching shit tv and ill.

I need tae start taking and long hard look at my life, as of now it is going nowhere!

I am seriously not well, the depression is getting to the stage again I do not wish to be here any more! I get angry with myself that i cannot get out the mire, and i am frightained I will do something stupid. With this the paranoia is scary, i feel everyone is looking at my, and not in a good way.

I honestly cannot say I like myself, I am not a nice person, I closed and secretive, i dont open up to people, i bury my head in the sand and hope the world goes away.

What a sad pathetic life i have.

Hello, ladies hallo

Well what are we going to do now?

Life is shit, and then you die, then when your me, you die, and your re-animated and tortured some more then, you die, and so on…

Help was meant to come, in the force of new depression tablets, they are not working, i’m in a dark place, and don’t know where to go.

I have been off on the sick with stomach problems, mostly caused by the state of my mind, and the laugh a minute, cure get away from all stress, yes that will happen. The only way i will get peace is when i am worm food. Happy thoughts, happy thoughts, happy thoughts.

Then in my life, I know I will be lonely, I have prepared myself for it. Why then am I looking for someone on shitty websites like Gaydar, which to me is a bush in the park that all the pervs hide behind all wanting a quick fumble. There is nobody looking for the long term relationship, and being a GAY, well, thats a joke in itself, a gay is all about LOOKS, and that is NOT what i was blessed with. I am not saying poor little me, I know I look like a dog, that has been dragged through the hedge backward, I am saying this if there was a higher being, I would be one of his little jokes.

Give me my books and my imagination anyday!

People can sometimes weird me out, I feel people are talking about me all the time, I know this is not alway the case, can’t help it though, stems also from my time at school, i would love to meet the person that said ‘school the best days of your life’ I would have put them through the mental torture of my time in my school, dicks, probably some american doc, usually this is where it happens.

I am mentally ill, I should realise this, It will not be ‘fixed’ but I want to cope with it, I want to just feel ‘normal’

to-da-loo

Imagine you’re having a nightmare, where you’re naked, running down the street, in the daytime, and people you know are laughing and plumbing you with shit, this would be close to what i feel most days at the moment!

People are getting on my nerves at the moment, and then you have to post that fake face on and pretend that nothing is wrong. I’m so fed up in doing this. I want a nice normal life where nobody is out tae stab me in the face.

Then there is the work situation, I am starting to panic again, this is doing my nut in, as now i have to deal with the screaming people, but now have to deal with it without having a clue what to do, oh and will have to do it well, otherwise, frog marched into the room again with the kangaroo court.

I found out early, that this world is a bastard, and if this was some intelligent design by someone, they are sadly taking the piss, or mentally ill, and they are themselves being patronised, saying ‘your doing well,’ like old mr grace in ‘are you being served.’

That sort of gives you an idea of my life at the moment, how i have not turned to drink I don’t know!

I am animal lover, well thats a lie, i hate creepy crawlies, and i hate flies and blue bottles.

I have 2 dogs, 1 cat, 1 hamster, and one new goldfish called marion!

I have the strangest names for animals, my cats called Babes, my hamster is called Dave and my new goldfish is called marion.

I also have new news, I also have a new niece called Sophie Main. born a month premature, but with every day she is growing stronger.

Holibags soon so will need to get a caravan booked and get my stuff ready. One thing i will need is wifi so hopefully will get some soon, anywhoo

toodaloo

Well, having a music hour, everyone should have one.

Stick yer heeadphones on, and block out the outside world, its bloody brilliant!

I am currently listening to Queen, we are the champions and couldnie give a fuck!

Its better than any prozac or any happy drug oot there!

Music is the way we can communicate with the world, not religion, religion causes wars, don’t do this right and you won’t go to heaven!

Stick on a bit of fleetwood mac, go your own way, and people know what yer talkin bout, yer in a bad mood, as yer mans chucked you, put a bit of this on, and the worlds a better place.

Two things i could not do without, ma mp3 and my tablet, with ma books on it, and close third is ma sketch book. I am a bit of a dreamer, also a loner, I love my own time, I was not a big socialiser, (naw really?) but i see the world differently from people, I see people as bright colours, with a music track in ma heid, yes this does sound mental, but each person is wired up differently.

For example, growing up, at family parties, when the music playing in the background was Country and western, I used to hate the music, why would you want to sing about someone beating the crap oot of you, or some man cheating on you, which is what most of the songs were about, then recently, i have gone a bit dolly, Parton that is! Who knew?

Classical music, i’m a big fan of, again who knew?

Then again jazz! i would need tae be in some form of drug confused state tae get anything out that!

I like rock and roll, but heavy metal can get tae fuck!

Gonna buy a record player, and by auld vinyl, get the auld records out the loft and really party!

Anywhoo

Rock on!

Andi:)