hello me

Weelll I’m through the painful and embarrassing endoscope
exam.

The one down the throat is the one they warn you about as
you feel that you want to gag, and surprisingly considering this I gag quite
easily.

That was the easy one though the one up the arse, I will
never want to go through again, (even if it means my instant death!)

Its noo the cable up the bum that’s the problem, it’s the air
that they pump into you, it feels like you are about to explode, all I could
think about is that I was going to piss over the doctor that was administering the
exam.

Then at the end the embarrassing releasing of the air.

Still having problems with dioreah though and doctors still
cannot give me an answer. Cannot find cancer though so that is the main thing.

So back to work tomorrow, but strongly going to be sending
out my CV to any company that will have me, don’t want to work over the phone
anymore as I feel this is what is causing my illness.

Need to change my diet also, lots of fluid, greens, away
from carbs!

Also got the love of Christmas to look forward to hurrah!

Least the main thin will not have the issue of spending a fortune
on presents!

Ahoy-hoy

My arse is going to be on candid camera!

It’s not the procedure that is going to frighten me, it’s
the fact I will have to wear one of those gowns with my arse hanging out the
back!

Many thoughts go through your mind the biggest is the C
word, but as so far, touch fake wood, I have not had any serious health probs,
(if you forget the headaches or the inconsiderate need to shit myself!)

Personally all I care about is to get a solution to this as
is degrading, and there is many including people I work with believe its all I’m
my head, (all I can say to these people with ‘doctorates’ that every time I soil
myself I feel like throwing myself in front of a car!)

I am the type of person who cannot abide mess on myself. If I
get a bit of food on myself for example, I have to immediately have to change
myself, (much to my mother’s dismay,) it’s the fact that the pain of the
trapped gas in my stomach is excruciating, and the uncontrolled dioreah, makes
me feel dirty, and sick inside.

I will now have to go back to work and explain myself in my
work’s answer to a kangaroo court. To tell them that I have got a bowel of an
80 year old with a Tena nappy!

If it ever gets to this stage the tablets will be used!

Hows me being ill for the millionth time again!

Then what’s new going along on my merrily way and then fate
comes along and boots me in the teeth.

I didn’t think my dark thoughts would come back through, not
with all the happy pills I’m taking these days, but you think what’s the point, you slave your
arse off during the day, come home to what?

A empty life, that’s what, everything I have touched has
turned to shit, I have no carrier, have no one who wants me for me, basically I
am fucked.

Then there is two months time, my shit hole ex-brother in
law is going to be served and this is when the shit hits fan, the thing that
worries me is my mother, the kids are about to go in the middle, then my mother
will come into the frey, that’s what’s worrying me, if anything happens to her,
that’s it game over, I don’t think I will be able to go on.

Anyhow we now have the fight with the neighbours from hell
beside us.

To give you an idea think wendoline from wallice and gromitt,
and happyslap her till she looks like a wotsit then you have the image of her.

Miss (and I use this loosely,) hownowbrowncow, believe as
she lives in a paid house, and we live in a council house, she can lord it over
her like lady muck and we are the poor gypos. Anyhoos she starts anything, she
will be starting with the right one in my mother.

My arsehole ex brother in law is at it again, he claims he
wants to kill himself but can’t, I want to help him.

I have explained before he ‘tried’ this before, (I have
tried being straight before, it was not for me.)

He is still not getting his own way, (boo-hoo,) and his new
thing is to top himself on his wedding anniversary, and leave little notes for
his kids, (the kids who mean so much to him,) again telling my sister so she
can rush to his feet fling her arms devotevely round his legs and say “don’t do
it, I was wrong, you were always right, don’t leave me” the thing is my sister
could not care if he publicly hung himself from the lamppost on the main
street, the thing that concerns her is the children being left in the same
house when he does it.

So here goes from the bottom of my heart, GO ON KILL YERSEL!
Please.

As a person who has been there, I find it deeply disgusting
that he would use such a threat, when others like myself have to fight
constantly not to go through with it!

Hi hi

Well I havnie come to u for a while!

Well I am still going through my mood swings at the moment; I
have my good days and also my bad days.

It was not as bad as last year, but I am still easily having
dark moods.

I worry about my mother a lot, she is seriously getting immobile,
and she worries that she will end up like her mother.

Not that I would mind looking after her, she is my mother
after all, but I am frightened that she will do what she suggests and to top
herself.

I don’t think I would be strong enough to survive anything
like that, I want to protect her like any son would, (well perhaps not my
younger brother!)

The last thing, I am still on the happy pills!

I have not ranted to you for a while; well I do have a life,
(for the most part.)

I have been on the happy pills, from January, and have no
wanted to kill myself.

I have always been a guarded person; this is probably why I have
never wanted to be close to anyone. I have
always felt that it was a fact of life that I would always feel like this.

I am actually happy again, people don’t upset me anymore,
(well if they do I plot my revenge later on.)

Anyhoo I will keep in touch!

Ahoy-hoy

Morningcampers!

it’s been a few months since my last confession. Well been a bit Tom and dick. I could be found in my new home in the toilet.

I’m coming an old woman

I am a wreck!

I am a 34 year old man, 35 if I make it to the 25th
of this month!

Why do I feel like my life is over?

I will doubtless be alone, and I am vastly overweight. I also
suffer from severe migraines, now have depression, by the looks of it I’m a fun
person to be with.

But no matter, because I came into the world kicking and
screaming, will go out that way as well.