hello me

Here
I am, cannot sleep again!

I
would try repeatedly banging my head aff a brick wall, but I would not wish to
lose any braincells I have left. My mind will not switch off, I lay in bed, in
the dark, I close my eyes, and my worries come forward like a horrible
nightmare. You then sit there awake and still the worries flash in front of
you. I switch on audible on my echo, and it sits and drones in the background,
and I try and read, this is hopeless, your mind seems to say to you, “really!
Your reading this guff, when the world outside is going to fuck!” I put my
kindle down in a huff and lay back down into the dark.

I
cannot see the joy in life, my glass is not half empty, mine is fully empty,
and there is no sign of it being refilled. I have always been a negative
person, its better to expect the worse, you don’t get disappointed later. This
is not normal, I know that, but I cannot stand these people who bang the drum,
clap away like living on this fucking rock is a good thing. Its not there is a
finite life, your born, out of extreme pain to your mother, try to make it
through childhood, (I did not,) Go into adulthood, in a dead end job that you
hate, then in old age, when you have finally got peace and quiet, you cop your
whack! People want to see a meaning of this, I don’t I want to get through
life, and be a nice pile of ash at the end. Morbid I know, giving in I know!
But is been a shit life so far, and I don’t think this is going to change
anytime soon.

The
braincells are now screaming, that they want sleep now, (fickle bastards,) I
cant even claim its tv keeping me awake at night, I bearly watch it now, there
is nothing but rubbish on and repeated over and over again!

I
have had one bit of rebellion though, as I have quit Facebook, two reasons for
this, one, you really know who your friends are when you have a breakdown, you
get the opening platitudes, then your yesterday’s news, two I was sick of being
fodder for right wing bastards looking to end the world sooner!

Anyhoo
im away to sleep!

Ta
ta

How
am I feeling? Well as the nun said to the priest. “a bit further down!”

I’m
trying to clear my head, I’m trying to get back on the straight and narrow!

Its
hard, REALLY HARD, one of the most difficult things I’ve done in my life.

I’m
difficult to adapt to new things, one of the reasons that got me into this
mess, its like a brick wall, and I have no way of getting through it, and I’m
too stupid to ask for help. This is why I have turned to professional support, I’ve
tried running away and hiding, tried the happy drugs, hopefully this will help
me as I am on my last straw.

I
don’t think I have the scope yet hurt myself again, the book is not closed on
that yet, and that scares me. I hate felling this way, it controls you, and
currently I am letting it win. They don’t call it the black dog for nothing. And
I’m now going through therapy, think it of it as ‘this is your life,’ with a
lot bawling, self-hate and relief at the end!

My
feelings are up and down, and take thing far too seriously, and my anxiety
levels, have left me to the point of a hermit! I hate my shitty body running in
fear at the point of someone having the gall to say “hello” to me!

And
social interactions, aren’t happening at the moment also, (as you can tell from
my last post,) I get on, see the people around me, moaning, or putting up messages
they have pulled out of a cheap greetings card, and don’t get me started on
chain posts, pass this on to 5 people in your contacts and don’t break the
chain! I could not be arsed with chain letters, what makes you think I’m going
to be different with chain posts, (anyway it’s a blatant way of scammers, and Cambridge
Analytica, getting access to your contacts!)

Oh,
where was I, oh yes ma depression, well I have a new coping machoism, a bit masochistic,
a kitten, with teething issues! Tigger (and he’s apply named,) bounces round,
with not a care in the world, just as long as he gets his food and sleep. Why could
I not been born as a cat, yeah, they do have a short life, but they can lick
their balls, that a positive spot! The scratching, and the biting, (I have arms
and hands, that look like I have went through twelve rounds with Freddie Kruger,)
is worth it to have this little bouncing ball of teeth, and claws, he has literally
saved me this month from going back into a deep depression!

I’m
also reading the works of Ruby Wax, and with mindfulness, it will make me ether
presentable, or I end up running a Buddhist monastery. The hope is the former,
as I don’t look good in orange!

For
those who have been looking for camp andi, he’s gone back into the box right
now, I’m trying to sort out Andrew for now that is my priority, to be honest its
been better for me, as putting on this face was like doing panto 7 days a week,
twice on Wednesdays! I was going to blow out anytime, and I did! And for those
who don’t care, you really weren’t my friend anyway, so you will not be missed!

Any
hoo if depressed you enough, as Dereck accorah says “love and light”

I am sitting in the dark, listening to
audible on my echo, and cannot sleep. It’s not that I don’t want to, god knows
my body is screaming for me to sleep, but when I close my eyes, all I can see
is my worries parading in front of my eyes, like a horrible slide show.

For a man my age, I’m such a pussy, I am
scared of my own shadow, I went out 2 weeks ago, and had to ware my headphones,
and the music turned up, I case anyone talked to me. When anyone did, all they
got was a mumble, and sweat running down my forehead, like someone under interrogation.
It’s horrible, I wish I could run away to a wee cottage, out in the middle of
nowhere, all I would need would be internet access, my laptop, and a kindle!

This I know would really affect me going
back into a call centre environment, especially where I am the now, I have very
dear friends that I have made there, but I can barely speak to them, without
going back to that day, and staring at that road, daring myself to walk forward.

And my mind goes to the future, how am I going
to support myself, will anyone employ someone like me, nearly ending my life,
and having a breakdown, I am not exactly going to be employee of the month, and
to myself the only people who will employ me will be low paid manual work,
which will kill me! And talking of killing, will I do it again? I’ve tried 3
times to unsuccessfully kill myself, the thing in the back of my head is will I
succeed one day!

It also doesn’t help with the heat, I hate
felling hot, and I toss and turn like someone with servitor’s dance! It is
lucky, I’m so lacking in the love department, as imagine sharing a bed with me!

Anyhoo, I’m going to end here, hopefully I’m
in the point of falling into unconscious.

Ahoy-hoy

I
am here up @ 3am cannot sleep. Its 3 days to the big grill on Saturday, I hate
talking about myself, which is why I talk through this. Everyone is telling me
I am going to be cut off, and that is putting me in a downer.

I
started my life in therapy on Monday, it seemed to help understand why I am
what I am, its mainly due to my life growing up. I have black moods, lack or no
confidence, anxiety, no self-respect in myself.

As
I sit here writing this, not being able to sleep, I want to, but every time I
close my eyes I see my future flashing behind my lids!

Its
taking longer to write these rants now, not that I don’t have shit to put down,
but my head is too full of shit, whirling around, hence lack of sleep. It is horrible
having a mind like mine, that just won’t shut up. Painting sometimes takes the
frustrating out, but again, I have the same issue there, I get up to place the
first stroke, and my mind takes over and I’m back in the black again.

It
is the black dog, its well named, as like a dog its liable to strike out, and
it effects the others around me.

Hello, I am here listening to music, as it seems to be the
only way, other than this to drown out the thoughts in my head.

I wish my depression tablets were working, but they haven’t since
I went on them, the problem I have is that I haven’t got any way to switch off
my horrible thoughts, its like the volume control doesn’t work. To give an example
of this, I am constantly having dreams of being at work, and feeling trapped,
and back where I was in school, being bullied for being ‘different’ I think all
my confidence went, on what happened in that school, children are bastards, and
they grow up to be adult bastards, to be honest, us humans, (and I include
myself in this,) we are fucking awful, we have horrible minds, we are horrible
to the animals living with us on the planet, we are actually killing this
spinning rock that we are on, and now the ‘geniuses,’ and I use the word very loosely,
and maybe wrongly, want to go out to other planets, and conquer them, only to
do the bloody same!

I don’t believe in any religion, spooky man upstairs, with
his son, and doonstairs the bad man in the Burney fire, we are molecules of
carbon, we will cop one’s whack, get ether burnt or buried, go back into the
ground and be fertiliser, for more wee bastards! We are not some big experiment,
we are not even top of the food chain, or even may be the cleverest, (if idiots
can vote for an openly racist, bigot, molester beast in trump, I would say a
fucking monkey sitting in his own shit has more mental capability then us!) But
why do we think this? The simple answer is we are taught this, the thing is
when we came out the primordial ooze, we were a we furry rat like thing, and fucking
dinosaurs ruled the world, now look at them?

I am not in one of my rants, andi being depressing again, I really
feel this, and felt it at a young age. My mother is religious and has a saying “we
will not go to hell, as we are already in it! We are really, not the burney fire
shit, just the promise of a good life, just out of reach! That will be on my
fucking gravestone!

Well what’s next? The only thing that’s not happened is me
fucking collapsing with ether a stroke, or a heart attacks, (thanks to lovely
genetics, I have that to look forward to, bless!)

Hello world, its come to my attention, that they are fucking idiots in the world, more idiotic than me. They are white, nationalist, (Nazi) and fucking ass to the sky wired to the moon.

Is that wrong of me? Not really, if anything I am being nice. Something that these idiots are not. Thanks to the wonderful Mr Trump, (yes I am being sarcastic,) It is now OK again be a fucking racist, because in their eyes, they are not racists, they are patriotic, but no they are fucking racists!

The new one is to target anyone that has opposing views, the nice people, to give you an idea, everyone was commenting on the North and South Korea, going into the Olympic ceremony, as one team, this is fucking amazing, as before they were at each others throats like rabid animals. Because trumpypumpydodahTM has a thing for Kim Jong-Un, the leader of North Korea, (don’t know what it is, may like his hair, or the clothes he wears,) basically they are one in the same, fucking radio rental. Anyhoo, Pence his vice president, (another mental, who believes in the ‘gay cure,’) was ordered not to stand up when the Korean team came in, every other delegate did, but in trumpypumpydodahTM eyes, and the rest of his fuckwits, it was north Korea coming in! When I pointed this on twitter, the abuse I got form these fuckwits, was from I was approving of mass murder, to I was a lefty commie, who was mentally ill. All I wanted to point out was this was a peaceful show of a united team, not at each others throats, and not wishing to kill us in a big ball of white light. What this shows now is the only real dictatorships, are fucking Trumps, and Putin.

Trump is even acting like a dictator, controlling what information goes out to the public, what people surround him, he is even looking to have a fucking military parade like the ones in red square. And everyone, EVERYONE, are to scared to touch him, as he has the support of the ‘I love my gun’ brigade, and nobody is wanting another civil war.

It will get worse, as he slowly feeds the world his idea of the news, and the real news will be labelled as ‘fake news,’ this is like a Orwellian nightmare brought to life.

I used to fear death, now I am hoping it will come as swiftly as possible.

Well how do we fight this, well we get our message out, like the resistance during the war, make sure there is clear information, showing the lies and greed, the Republican party, and the Russian government are spreading. With the later, its like a evil mastermind scheme that has been set up by a Bond baddie, and doesn’t Valerie Putin look the part.

So before I am marched of to the death camp, for being a leftie, (which I am not,) and a big screaming gay, (which I fucking am!) remember this little rant, as they could be coming for you.

Nighty Night, don’t let the Nazis bite!

I have had a recurring dream now, I am being ether sent back to my high school, to redo my exams, (a place in my life I try hard to forget,) or I am being chased by my senior manager at work, having to justify myself, (at the moment, something I am having difficulty doing.) I wake up in a cold sweat, usually about 4am, and cannot get back to sleep.

I don’t know why this is happening, or how I am going to stop it. The nerves are killing me also, cannot go out for a long time as I believe people are looking at me, this is not a nice feeling, the paranoia is getting worse. I take panic attacks, and sweats to the point I want to run. I am also finding it difficult to speak to my family, there is the issue of the overcrowding in the house, I don’t feel this is my house anymore, and I feel would be a lot better if I was not here.

The mood swings are getting worse also, one minute I feel am turning a corner, and the next minute I am back in a ball in the middle of the bed, with a migraine that would make you pray for death!

And if death comes along, It would be a relief, no more having to be me, happy Andi, camp Andi the life and soul of the party, why are you not being upbeat Andi? Why are you not talking to us Andi? You need to go back to the doctor Andi and get further help!*

I put the happy camper Andi ‘face’ on all the time, its a defence machoism, at school when I was bulled, I would go into a wee world of my own, today I laugh, sing, Andi life of the party. Sometimes I don’t want to be ‘Andi,’ sometimes I want to be Andrew, the confused, scared, paranoid boy, who was picked on, going back into that wee ball of protection. Then one day this snapped altogether, I fucked up, I did make a big mistake at work, made to face up to myself that I was a shit, and there I was, back at school, surrounded by them! Wishing I was dead. Then I thought why I am frightened of death, what have I got to live for? And walking out the building that day walking down the side street, to the main road, all I could think is ‘it would be so easy, all I need to do is walk strait on the road, and it would be all over.’

Then your mind rushes another way, ‘what if it would hurt? What if I did not die right away? What if I ended in a wheelchair?’ Then the driver, how would this effect them? They did nothing wrong! And it was that thought that snapped me out of it. And you know walking up slowly to my house, crying, I felt even worse, as a coward not going through with it.

Now I am in limbo, no courage to go back to work, retreating back into my shell, I honestly do not know what I am going to do!

Night night

*to be honest 2 of my doctors, have said they have had bad reports about my work, and that for my health I should not go back.

Hello, well I am a zombie, I would find it funny, if I wasn’t zonked out on my depression tablets.

I am tired ALL the time, I am also agoraphobic, I don’t want to go outside, I want to stay in my bubble, frightened that I will finish the job and throw myself in front of a train.

Its hard to explain it to the ‘normal’ everything’s fucking ok with the world, and god is a wonderful thing. If there was a god (there isn’t by they way, god is a fucking joke the god bothers promise you, so your not frightened when you eventually cop your whack,) the ‘normals’ think you can laugh it off, they sail through life with no issues at all, BOLLOCKS! Nobody is ‘normal’ were all fucking going to hell in a handbasket, no scrap that we are in hell!

Hell is a place were you are murdered because you don’t worship the ‘right’ god!

Hell is a place where the fucking rich hold your face at the huge pile of shit then ram it right in, (the world in which Boris (abbymormal) Johnson, has power!)

Hell is the place where poor weins can go to bed starving at night because their mothers, and fathers are on minimum wages, and can ether feed their weins, or heat the house.

I hate this world and everything in it! Is it any wonder why I am suicidal?

Nobody wants to be mentally ill, its horrible, your broken, where I see myself as a piece of garbage, that should have been destroyed. This is not nobody likes me, everybody hates me, I am not writing this to get sympathy, I’m writing this because I’m shit at communicating it to people, and if I do succeed in ‘topping’ my self, there is a record of why.

Were sold the idea that we are the top of the fucking tree, and this is the most evil thing we are taught, we are flawed and broken like the basic animals. I do hate what I have become, a fat balding, gay, weirdo, socially inept, mental! When you don’t like yourself, what hope have you!

Anyhoo, another day survived