hello me

Well it has been a shit couple of months, and I so need take get ma medication upped.

I have not blogged for a while, and although I love you, I need to have the need to write, and once I start it comes put like drivel!

So its quarter to one on a Saturday morning, I have most haunted in the background, I have trapped wind and am fucking depressed. Not a head in the oven depressed, (though i have been there before,) no this is the shitty feeling inside, where you think the whole world is against you.

I am a walking contradiction, I portray the camp fun loving Andi on the outside and on the inside I want to claw my face off.

Its a horrible feeling depression, where you feel like you are shit and worthless, a small pill I take at night, that knocks you bandy, is meant to make me cope throuout the day, really doesn’t, and if i go onto any higher medication, I would be going inte lithium territory. I am not going to get wired up tae the National grid for anyone.

The best way to describe how I feel , is a smaller version of yourself, in front of you, stating that your a fucking state, your a waste of life, away and go do someone a favour and kill yourself!

And this is a horrible feeling, as you look around at the people around you, and you can see in their faces that they are agreeing with this.

I will have this with me till the end of my life, that’s a sobering thought.

Anyhoow

Time to sleep

Ahoy hoy

Andi

Well what do you think of that?

I spent 1 week in a caravan, in the back of the beyond, with
my nephew, and my mother, and I survived, hurrah!

I think I am now ok on my own, Yes I love my family dearly,
but I find the quiet with my kindle and my art appealing.

I’m not a big telly watcher now, with the wonders of catch-up,
and TiVo I don’t need to sit through the rubbish anyway, I can pick and choose.

Am I a sociopath? I don’t think so, I have genuine love for
my family and friends, but at the same time, I am glad sometimes I can leave at
any time.

I have had a shit upbringing when it comes to family life, my
dad’s existence was the football match, drinks with his brothers every
Saturday, and his fags in that order. We came a long way down the list. MY
mother who I love deeply, regretted ever marring my father, and if was the
present day, would not have, and although I would not have existed, I sometimes
wish my mother had that choice, because she has had a sad life.

This has affected me in getting close to anyone, that and
the stupid MAIN ‘queerness’ that makes you weary of approaching anyone, that
and living as a gay person in Scotland in the 80s, where we are seen as aids
carriers, and the work of Satan!

Then you think about being alone, I live partly all my day
alone, and in my head, I created as a child a family, relationships for myself in
my head, then lost in my thoughts throughout the day.

I have now got the man flu, and my head is sore so I will
leave you for now,

Ta ta

Shit happens!

Well to me this is not what happens, I have a build up
inside me, till it gets painful, then brown rain. And the embracement of dealing
with this.

It is humiliating having to explain myself when it happens,
every fucking time. To the uneducated, Irritable Bowel Syndrome (or IBS,) Is
NOT CUREABLE, there is not a magic pill, not a procedure that can cure it, I have
to watch what I eat, what I drink for the rest of my life, and it is shit because
what your left with is the blandest, tasteless rubbish imaginable.

Then are the tablets, one to take the bloating and cramps
away, one to take the brown stuff, and one to take the pain away, it’s a wonder
that when I walk I don’t rattle.

Oh and don’t forget the depression tablets, without them I would
be a raving psycho. I’m also a paranoid werdo that thinks the world is against
me.

What next I here you roll with laughter at my poor little me
rant, well I’m hanging on this dirt ball in space, with grim death. I walk through
life with a mask, yes on the outside the flamboyant andi, who screams GAY to
the world, this is NOT me, I am a quiet wee mouse, as I mentioned I’m a
screaming paranoid person, who thinks the world is out to get me, this is not a
new thing, this was fucking hammered into me through school, trying not to be
the GAY FREAK, you have no idea how fucking evil children are, till you’re on
the end of the bulling, its fucking hateful, and I wish I could say that was a generation
thing, it’s not it changes with every generation, to something more shittier.

That’s why I walk through life like a fucking flamboyant idiot,
when all I want to do is crawl into a ball and hide away from the world. It literally
KILLS me every day to put on the act, and it is an act, you ask my family,
because I refuse to be that scared little kid again. There is NO fucking way I will
go back to that again.

Anyhoo night night

A woman sent me a picture on Facebook, stating, do you know
someone who acts like the hamster wheel is turning but the hamster is dead?

I don’t think there was malice with this, but it made me
think, am I running on autopilot? I’m I loosing interest in life? I have lost
interest in my job, I feel that I have lost all care in what I am doing,
running out of energy.

I feel that I am not even caring if I wake up tomorrow, I
have no romantic ties, yes people might mourn my death, but life will go on,
and I will be a distant memory, this is not a poor little me cry for help, I
know what I am, I know how I feel, I will never be a happy person. To be alone
in the world is a hard thing, but my psyche could not cope with anyone else.

I’m dead really, this is what we call hell, our own minds,
we have reason to feel fear and resentment, I see people around me talking
about me, yes a lot of this psychological, I know I’m a nutcase, but also growing
up being bullied, you know the bastards of this world.

I know that growing up a fat, big headed gay, in Scotland in
the 80s was the biggest joke of all, the only gay bar in my town was petrol
bombed, I am not joking when I say my childhood was the worse period of my
life.

I have thought about killing myself again, how will I do it?
Will it be peaceful, or will I feel pain? I have only got my mother and father
around me, their getting elderly, I don’t know what I would do if I was on my
own.

So is the hamster dead, yep dead and gone, but do I want to
stop the wheel turning this is something I will need to consider.

Wonder what it’s like to have a mental problem?

With me it’s the constant paranoia, this sends me into panic
attack mode, then this sends me into a constant depression and you want to
stote yourself off a very high cliff.

I have contemplated suicide, it’s not nice having those
thoughts in your head, and you feel so useless and a waste of space, you also
want to make it all easy for others, this is always the reason why I pull away,
so far, what would be the effect on my family, will they be fully upset, angry,
will it put them into debit for burning me, etc. The last thing you thing about
is yourself.

I have attempted Suicide twice in my life, the first time
was to chuck myself in front of a bus, messy and very final, or would it would
I be killed right away, or will I would be paralysed, being more of a burden to
my parents. Then think of the driver, what if he did kill me, he would be
driving the method of my death, maybe their children on board, see you don’t
think of yourself only others.

And this is my life every day, a struggle to stay sane. I have
only seen a psychiatrist once in my life and that was when I was young and not
aware of my depressions, I’m also very introverted, this is probable why I have
not let anyone get close to me, I also panic VERY easily, and struggle with paranoia,
I’m a psychiatrists’ wet dream, they could do a book on me.

This is what angers me in the world today, people with
mental health issues are classed as attention seeking, and lazy, try for
example take time of work as I have done, as I took a mini breakdown, and you’re
are classed as a waste of space, which really helps.

So me, what’s the future?

I am on the happy pills, probably will be on them for the
rest of my life, my therapy at the moment is this, one I have spoken to my
doctor, who promise to get me to a psychiatrist, that has not come through, and
two I cannot at moment to go private, even if no one reads this, it’s good to
get your frustration out to the world.

Now the happy pills are kicking in I better sign off before I
conk out in front of my laptop.

Mad mental forever

Andi

This is all it takes?

That we are on a big ball in the middle of space, going roon
a bigger fiery ball. I’m a cynic, always have been.

It’s now the new year, and hurrah, another year in this shit
hole, see the fannies that mention, Nostradamus, and those fucking myaens, yes
oh yes, did they get it right, so much so that their own fucking race died out!

Where are the big fiery astoroids? Where is the rapture, I will
tell you where, in the minds of the people who want to control us, as I mentioned
before, humans are idiots, we are told be a good little follower, and you can
have a wonderful afterlife, these people then drive fucking planes into
buildings, or murder people in the glory of a great leader. We don’t need to
look to the skies for a big fucking boulder, we need to be looking at the cunts
around you.

When I was a kid, you looked to your parents for your
leadership, one thing I can thank for is they never forcerd religion at me,
imagine a wee gay boy being constantly told that the feelings he had were
wrong, and people like me were going tae hell, we now realise the same people
doing this were feeling up the kids also. When I have suddenly grown up and
realised if I was more open with myself at school I might have done well,
rather than being the lonely, bullied boy I was.

I think that is one reason, I have never looked for companionship,
or having a child myself, I would be so scared brining a child into this world
these days. You only have to look at programmes on tv like, the only way is Essex,
the Kardashians, or made in Chelsea, and you lose all hope in mankind!

We have prime ministers of fuck dead pigs, chancellors who
burn money in front of homeless people, governments who prefer to sell arms to dictatorships,
and in the next minute bomb the fuck out of them, to bring in new dictators to
sell them arms, and you wonder why I’m on depression tablets before I’m forty

It’s getting shitty weather time out there and I have one
word to say to all the scientists out there, where is the warming world you are
talking about? And why the fuck can’t I see it?

I am not a stupid man, but even I know when we’re being
conned.

Well back on the oldie days, we were frightened about the
big bad vengeful god telling us we were fucked, and we were all going to hell,
no pass go, no collect 200, your fucked, you’re going to hell. And the wee
village idiots put their faith in the local god botherer, who for some reason
could get you a day pass to heaven.

We all need to be told what to do, case in point, when do
you read the fine print?

Everybody sees the FREE, FREE, FREE, nobody checks the fine
print on what they want from you to make it FREE, FREE, FREE. There IS NOT A
FREE LUNCH out there, but the simpletons, the idiots who believe what they are
told, think there is, they want to be babied, spoon fed, told every think is
ok. Well here is the meaning of life, NOPE everyone wants something, you, me,
everybody. We don’t get a free pass through life and anyone who thinks this is
sadly deluded.

You ask why so cynical at this point in life, well you
suddenly open your eyes one day and think, why?

I’ve been thinking this for the last 30 years.

Now I’m sitting here tonight in pain, IBS (or Its Bloody
SORE!) hits you in two ways, you could ether be doubled up in pain with cramps,
and the farmer Giles, or now running out of me like brown rain. And to top it
off you get a sore arse, hence 2 o’clock in the morning wide awake and taking
to you! It’s a symptom that most people think that your making up, but believe
me the pure fear of shitting yourself, for passing wind, is no my cup of tea.

Work wise, bit of light relief, cut my hours right back,
needed to do this or would be looking for a new job. Now all I need to get the
diet right and I’ll be fucked.

Night night

Do you know what I don’t get, people who want to be famous!

It must be shit being famous, for one thing you are on a
scale of famous, a list, your brad pitts your Angelina jolies, your Beyoncé.

Then you have the opposite end, the z lists or to give you
an example, peter André.

Then you have got the dicks that ‘win’ fandom the reality
show dicks, the world’s worst being Katie Hopkins, a woman I would gladly see
die painfully.

I am all for people showing their talent under a bushel, I am
an artist, I have never claimed though to be the next van gough, and demanded
my art on a gallery wall. I paint for myself, if others like it, so be it,
gives me a wee spark, that my works appreciated.

It’s the same with musical bands that put themselves out
there, do gigs, put their music to record companies, and strive for years to go
forward, I’m fine with this, I will support them whole heartily, might not like
their music though.

What I am not happy with is this idea, of talent shows,
marketing an express elevator to the top. What I can see, and I’m using xfactor
as an example, is go on it, give a sob story, sing (through auto tune,) a song
written by someone else, idiots vote for this, then they win, they are then
around for let’s be generous, half a year, then we forget about them, go on to
the next series, is it me or is this effectively like conning a mentally
disabled person out of money?

Yet government regulators allow this, go figure.

Let’s go back to Katie Hopkins, I personally hated her in
the apprentice, claimed that she was not in this for the fame, she genuinely
wanted the job, (back then, it was the job, not the partnership,) she was a
nasty piece of work all the way through it, but the producers cynically saw
that if there was a miss nasty through the series we would watch, and to my
shame I did.

It came to the grand final and it was that bitch, up with
some nobody, even now the name escapes me, and we got Katie Hopkins, over the
table promising lord sugar that she was in it for the job and not the fame,
thankfully the cow did not get the job in the end, two reasons, one lord sugar
is not that daft, two currys would have a mad rush on people buying new tvs
after people putting the boot in in their old ones if that had happened.

Now forward over to present, Katie Hopkins, remember not in
it for the fame, venting her spleen about any issue so she stays in the
headlines and stays famous. I also have to wonder why she do everything in our
power to shut up hate figures, when we allow Katie Hopkins to spout her racist,
bigoted views out there, I know if she ever reads this, would say she has a
right to free speech, but in that respect don’t the hate mongers have those
same rights?

The world is going to hell in a hand cart, because we don’t do
anything for others, we are only interested in ourselves, its true ask
yourself, if there were two people in a room, you and another person, both of
you are thirsty, but there is only one glass of water, would you give it to the
other person, or would you keep it yourself, Nobody I bet will say they would
share it.

On that depressing note

Ahoy hoy